I don't remember a day in my life when I haven't bitten my nails. For 32 (almost 33 years) I have lived my life with practically none existent nails and I have never been proud of them. The few moments I am proud are when I put on fake ones for a short time. Some people tell me I'm an anxious person, others tell me I must be bored, and still others say it's because I'm a perfectionist. Whatever the reason, two to three months ago, I made the decision that it was time to stop. There was no profound moment, I didn't have a religious experience where God came down and said, "Thou Shall Not Bit Thy Nails." One day I just decided I needed to prove to myself that I had the willpower to stop.
What I didn't realize that day was the time I spent showing I had willpower to not bite my nails would actually translate over to bigger issues in my life. If a 33 year nail biting trend could be overcome in a few months, what else was I throwing in the towel too soon on just because I didn't think I could do it?!
Lets face it....my health is number 1 on the list. It's not like I haven't proven before that I can lose weight and be healthier. But every time I slid back down and gained it back, what is the first thing I said? "Oh well...guess I can't do it after all." Ding Ding Ding! Give the woman a smack across her face and tell her to wake up! I am three months into not biting my nails now. Time and time again I told myself that I could never do it. My nails are too brittle, I do it without thinking, I'm just not like those people who have nice nails...insert excuse 1, insert excuse 2....It all boils down to this. I didn't think I could stop biting my nails and guess what? Every day it gets easier to not think about biting them and just appreciate that I now have nails that I'm not embarrassed if people see them! They are even strengthening to a point where even if I wanted to bite them, it's not going to happen!
I think the real reason I quit biting my nails is because I needed something small that I could be successful at to prove to myself that I am capable of doing something big and be successful at it too.
Yisel, I hope you are reading this, because your phone call tonight really touched my heart and touched a nerve at the same time. I believe you called me because you needed to hear what I said, but also because I needed to hear what you said. I needed the push to really start thinking about how I was going to get back to making the healthy changes in my life and our conversation really got me thinking. I told you tonight that I believe God puts people into our lives when there is no other explanation for why they are there. We eventually see or find the reasons why. I think you and I have multiple reasons why we are friends across these miles, across our upbringing, and even our personality differences. So I thank YOU for the push to get serious about my health again and putting me back in a positive frame of mind about it by sharing your story.
Monday, January 29, 2018
Monday, January 1, 2018
I hate New Year Resolutions
It feels cliché and appropriate that for three months my blog has been silent, and on the first day of 2018 I should remember that it even exists. A true test of how important something is, I feel, is determined on how often you think about it daily. I can definitely say that for two months, my weight, and chronicling the good and bad of my work to be more healthy has NOT been important. It would seem a good time for me to give the typical lines about how it's a new year and I'm going to make new strides to fix what went wrong the end of the year, but I am NOT going to make promises I don't intend to keep. I think living healthy is about being real with yourself and if I'm being real, I can think of at least five other things I would rather be doing than working on eating better and being more healthy.
One thing people know about me is that I hate New Year's resolutions. I find them to be a waste of time because subconsciously everyone looks at New Year's resolutions as something they will end up breaking once they don't feel like doing them anymore, or it becomes acceptable to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else who has quit theirs. It becomes almost a pack mentality to look at others not working on their resolutions and join in the "Yeah, it didn't work out this year" or the "I don't have the time I thought I would have" club instead.
Don't get me wrong, I believe goals are important and necessary, but the resolutions of New Year's are usually doomed to failure. So while this blog is already cliché to rant against New Year's resolutions, let me say this. I have always been the kind of person who doesn't need pushed. An accountability person doesn't work for me because having someone call out my lack of progress or a missed chance doesn't serve to motivate me. In fact, it does the opposite. I don't know why, but my rally cry seems to come from a very smart, small green creature who once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." Either I am going to self motivate myself to give a damn (pardon the French) or I will continue to do as I always have.
Case and point. I am a nail bitter. I have bitten my nails since I was a little girl. There is not a time in my life I can remember not biting my nails. I do it when I get nervous, I do it when I get bored, and I do it without even knowing I am doing it. Two months ago I made a decision to finally take the bull by the horns and stop biting my nails. It was a conscious effort I had to force myself to follow every day. There were some days I wanted to throw in the towel and I came very close to letting myself go, but I resisted. Even when the nails started to physically hurt because I was hitting the new growth against things I had never hit them against before, I told myself this would be worth it and to not give up. A couple weeks ago, I rewarded myself with a gel manicure and I can now proudly say that my urge to bite is less every day. I actually look at my nails with pride now.
While the nails seems like a small thing, they actually have come to represent a much larger thing to me. I saw the same results in the warmer months of 2017, when I daily was walking several miles. My strength increased, parts of me that hurt routinely stopped hurting, and I did see measureable changes to, well, my measurements. I had a self motivation that extended past whether my walking buddy Amy was coming with me. I wanted better for myself, so I made it happen. I don't believe I lost that once it started to get cold, but my interests and priorities changed. I would rather come home and write on my fantasy story, or do game prep to DM a game for my friends.
I say all this to make this point in the end...there are big things happening this year. My family is taking a 10 day trip to Alaska in June which includes long air flights, time on a bus, time on a train, and time on a boat. While it should be the trip of a lifetime, I am immediately nervous about how my enjoyment of this trip will be affected by my weight and my diet. There is something to be said about finding the motivation to do better when an expensive trip is hanging in the balance. The weather won't be warm again for several months, so coming home and getting into a change of clothes without sitting down will be vital to my success. A little yoga combined with some empowering kickboxing should be the ticket to making this " I care" train move again.
One thing people know about me is that I hate New Year's resolutions. I find them to be a waste of time because subconsciously everyone looks at New Year's resolutions as something they will end up breaking once they don't feel like doing them anymore, or it becomes acceptable to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else who has quit theirs. It becomes almost a pack mentality to look at others not working on their resolutions and join in the "Yeah, it didn't work out this year" or the "I don't have the time I thought I would have" club instead.
Don't get me wrong, I believe goals are important and necessary, but the resolutions of New Year's are usually doomed to failure. So while this blog is already cliché to rant against New Year's resolutions, let me say this. I have always been the kind of person who doesn't need pushed. An accountability person doesn't work for me because having someone call out my lack of progress or a missed chance doesn't serve to motivate me. In fact, it does the opposite. I don't know why, but my rally cry seems to come from a very smart, small green creature who once said, "Do or do not. There is no try." Either I am going to self motivate myself to give a damn (pardon the French) or I will continue to do as I always have.
Case and point. I am a nail bitter. I have bitten my nails since I was a little girl. There is not a time in my life I can remember not biting my nails. I do it when I get nervous, I do it when I get bored, and I do it without even knowing I am doing it. Two months ago I made a decision to finally take the bull by the horns and stop biting my nails. It was a conscious effort I had to force myself to follow every day. There were some days I wanted to throw in the towel and I came very close to letting myself go, but I resisted. Even when the nails started to physically hurt because I was hitting the new growth against things I had never hit them against before, I told myself this would be worth it and to not give up. A couple weeks ago, I rewarded myself with a gel manicure and I can now proudly say that my urge to bite is less every day. I actually look at my nails with pride now.
While the nails seems like a small thing, they actually have come to represent a much larger thing to me. I saw the same results in the warmer months of 2017, when I daily was walking several miles. My strength increased, parts of me that hurt routinely stopped hurting, and I did see measureable changes to, well, my measurements. I had a self motivation that extended past whether my walking buddy Amy was coming with me. I wanted better for myself, so I made it happen. I don't believe I lost that once it started to get cold, but my interests and priorities changed. I would rather come home and write on my fantasy story, or do game prep to DM a game for my friends.
I say all this to make this point in the end...there are big things happening this year. My family is taking a 10 day trip to Alaska in June which includes long air flights, time on a bus, time on a train, and time on a boat. While it should be the trip of a lifetime, I am immediately nervous about how my enjoyment of this trip will be affected by my weight and my diet. There is something to be said about finding the motivation to do better when an expensive trip is hanging in the balance. The weather won't be warm again for several months, so coming home and getting into a change of clothes without sitting down will be vital to my success. A little yoga combined with some empowering kickboxing should be the ticket to making this " I care" train move again.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
The victory is that I rallied in the end
I'm purposely not starting by writing a post title to this blog because I'm hoping for something better to come from writing about my lack of blogs this last month and the crummy month September was. Where do I even start? September held so many exciting things for me when I reflected on what I hoped for in this past month. I had a new Jeep, which I loved, and was super excited to take to North Carolina on my trip to see family. I was a stranger in many ways to some of these family members and I looked forward to getting to know them better. I had plans to go see a high school classmate who I had not seen since we were seniors and an afternoon of new abandoned places to explore with a friend. I also knew the temperatures would start to come down into fall comfort and with that, my desire to go for walks and rides would increase. I do love a fall evening above most things.
Labor Day weekend was the beginning of the excitement. I was seeing the classmate and going on some abandoned places explores. At the last minute, both plans fell through. I tried to put on a happy face regardless and find a way to still have a good weekend. After all, a week after I would be in North Carolina exploring the back roads with my new Jeep. Excited for the trip, I made the decision to drive into town and go look for some new shirts. A short time after arriving, someone came into the store alerting us that a car had just crashed into a Lexus in the parking lot. One of the girls who worked there quickly said that was her car and rushed outside. I remember feeling relief that they hadn't hit my Jeep. But as quickly as the relief was there, it was filled with a horrible gut feeling that something was not right. Not more than 15 seconds later, the same woman returned to say the white Jeep with temp tags had also been hit. My heart sank and I went numb. How could I be having the worst day ever? The details are lengthy, but the cliff note version is a Tim Hortons employee had taken her manager's leased company vehicle for a joy ride and crashed it into a Lexus that was then pushed into my Jeep. The Lexus took the worst beating and was totaled. My Jeep suffered bumper damager and dragging damage to the back wheel. The driver who hit us was on drugs, had Xanax in her pocket, and was taken to jail for felony drug possession and distribution warrants. The battle with the insurance companies then began. My Jeep was in a storage lot for over a week before it moved to a body shop. Because the Tim Horton's vehicle's manager was trying to claim the vehicle was stolen, it delayed the process with that insurance picking up the bill and threw my life into a tailspin of phone calls, rental cars, missed work hours, and cancelled plans. I unhappily went through four rental cars during this time because of the switch back and forth between insurance covering and not covering them. My vacation did happen a week after it was originally planned to and I did make the most of it. However, it sucked having to drive a vehicle the first leg of the trip that I really didn't like and was not powerful enough to tackle the mountains. For this reason, I didn't do all the things I planned to do with a powerful four wheel drive Jeep. The situations with insurance and rental cars stressed the limits of an already difficult relationship with my dad. It was an added stress I didn't need when I was already dealing with a lot.
With all the stress over my first accident, taking care of myself really became a back burner topic. While I continued to eat decently well, I gave up on taking walks. I really just didn't care. I still have two unopened medals in my dresser. I'm happy to report that I rallied myself the end of September. I kept my appointment to see my Endocrinologist and she put me back on the medication I need to take daily to help my body process sugars correctly and put me back on the right path to losing weight. I managed to get some walks in and even went on a day adventure with a friend to check out Point Pleasant, WV. It turned into a day of walking and hiking which was good for me. I also found out today that my Jeep is finally fixed, so I can look forward to taking it home to show my family this weekend.
September sucks, but I feel good about not giving up and coming back from a really challenging month in the end. My walking partner is no longer working a second job, so she will be able to go back to meeting me after work and on weekends. Being the beginning of a month, I still need to report numbers, but I think I will wait till tomorrow to be accountable for that. I feels good to at least gotten the month's owes down on paper so I can move on into October.
Labor Day weekend was the beginning of the excitement. I was seeing the classmate and going on some abandoned places explores. At the last minute, both plans fell through. I tried to put on a happy face regardless and find a way to still have a good weekend. After all, a week after I would be in North Carolina exploring the back roads with my new Jeep. Excited for the trip, I made the decision to drive into town and go look for some new shirts. A short time after arriving, someone came into the store alerting us that a car had just crashed into a Lexus in the parking lot. One of the girls who worked there quickly said that was her car and rushed outside. I remember feeling relief that they hadn't hit my Jeep. But as quickly as the relief was there, it was filled with a horrible gut feeling that something was not right. Not more than 15 seconds later, the same woman returned to say the white Jeep with temp tags had also been hit. My heart sank and I went numb. How could I be having the worst day ever? The details are lengthy, but the cliff note version is a Tim Hortons employee had taken her manager's leased company vehicle for a joy ride and crashed it into a Lexus that was then pushed into my Jeep. The Lexus took the worst beating and was totaled. My Jeep suffered bumper damager and dragging damage to the back wheel. The driver who hit us was on drugs, had Xanax in her pocket, and was taken to jail for felony drug possession and distribution warrants. The battle with the insurance companies then began. My Jeep was in a storage lot for over a week before it moved to a body shop. Because the Tim Horton's vehicle's manager was trying to claim the vehicle was stolen, it delayed the process with that insurance picking up the bill and threw my life into a tailspin of phone calls, rental cars, missed work hours, and cancelled plans. I unhappily went through four rental cars during this time because of the switch back and forth between insurance covering and not covering them. My vacation did happen a week after it was originally planned to and I did make the most of it. However, it sucked having to drive a vehicle the first leg of the trip that I really didn't like and was not powerful enough to tackle the mountains. For this reason, I didn't do all the things I planned to do with a powerful four wheel drive Jeep. The situations with insurance and rental cars stressed the limits of an already difficult relationship with my dad. It was an added stress I didn't need when I was already dealing with a lot.
With all the stress over my first accident, taking care of myself really became a back burner topic. While I continued to eat decently well, I gave up on taking walks. I really just didn't care. I still have two unopened medals in my dresser. I'm happy to report that I rallied myself the end of September. I kept my appointment to see my Endocrinologist and she put me back on the medication I need to take daily to help my body process sugars correctly and put me back on the right path to losing weight. I managed to get some walks in and even went on a day adventure with a friend to check out Point Pleasant, WV. It turned into a day of walking and hiking which was good for me. I also found out today that my Jeep is finally fixed, so I can look forward to taking it home to show my family this weekend.
September sucks, but I feel good about not giving up and coming back from a really challenging month in the end. My walking partner is no longer working a second job, so she will be able to go back to meeting me after work and on weekends. Being the beginning of a month, I still need to report numbers, but I think I will wait till tomorrow to be accountable for that. I feels good to at least gotten the month's owes down on paper so I can move on into October.
Monday, September 4, 2017
August Measurement Results
Weight: (+) 0 pounds
Neck: (+) 0 inches
Chest: (+) 0 inches
Stomach + 1 inch
Hips (+) 0 inches
Up Arm: (+) 0 inches
Up Leg: + 1 inch
Calf: (+) 0 inches
Neck: (+) 0 inches
Chest: (+) 0 inches
Stomach + 1 inch
Hips (+) 0 inches
Up Arm: (+) 0 inches
Up Leg: + 1 inch
Calf: (+) 0 inches
August 2017 can just go away
I dreaded stepping on the scale this morning. I knew I had to do it if I was going to keep myself accountable long term to my monthly check ins. I was perhaps surprised to find my weight had not changed. I certainly did not expect to see the number down after the failure my August turned out to be. I was full of ambition when I started into August and somehow it all crumbled as the month went on. A couple of my measurements are also up which was expected, but I'm pleased that the majority did not change.
August has been rough; not only from a activity standpoint, but from a stress standpoint. I know that when my stress is the highest and things in my personal life feel they are falling apart, this is the time I should go for walks the most. Unfortunately, I'm not good yet at forcing the issue with myself during these times. I'm also not good at wanting to be outside when it's hot. August came in like a lion with hot, humid temperatures and fortunately looks to be going out like a lamb. The temps have been more than reasonable, but even so, my motivation has not kicked in. These are the trying moments that will push the issue of how much I want this new life. Even when a month is bad and the motivation I had before is brittle, will I continue to press on?
I have decided there are several steps I need to take now to get back on track:
Step 1: Vacation-work has been challenging and I need a break. It has been months since I got an extended period of time off and I know this has played into my attitude about life in general. In a week I will be in NC filling my days with walking around and site seeing. If I continue to eat well, my vacation can actually be a kick start to doing things right when I get home too.
Step 2: I don't know why I have put off an appointment with my endocrinologist. I have good things to share with her about what I'm doing for myself and she will want to help me get back on the medications I need to make a real difference. Plus, since my surgery in May, my deductible has been met, so the visit and medication for the rest of the year should be covered, so this won't play into my stress over financial matters.
Step 3: Continuing to cook for myself and woman at work seems to be helping financially with food and keeping me on track eating like I should. Knowing I have a commitment to her to cook healthy food keeps me committed to healthy food for myself. I have successfully managed to keep on track with food for months now, so I see that as a trend that will continue. Now I have to step it up one more level and work on eliminating the few unhealthy trends I am keeping too like ice cream every night and candy at work daily.
Step 4: Getting back to my daily walking routine. Despite the August set back, I did walk a loop around my office building at one point and compared the time to what I walked in the past. I proudly noted that my time was faster by quite a bit. My back and legs also continue to not hurt me like they did when I first started. I know that change has happened even if it's not as apparent right now.
I set the goals I did because they don't take into account the amount of weight I am losing. My goals are based on feeling better and being more active. I know that if I continue to focus on those things, the other things like weight, losing inches, and controlling my PCOS will fall into line on their own. So I'm putting August 2017 behind me. I will literally never see the month again. It's time to focus on September and my favorite season, fall which will be perfect for beautiful walks and bike rides in the foliage.
August has been rough; not only from a activity standpoint, but from a stress standpoint. I know that when my stress is the highest and things in my personal life feel they are falling apart, this is the time I should go for walks the most. Unfortunately, I'm not good yet at forcing the issue with myself during these times. I'm also not good at wanting to be outside when it's hot. August came in like a lion with hot, humid temperatures and fortunately looks to be going out like a lamb. The temps have been more than reasonable, but even so, my motivation has not kicked in. These are the trying moments that will push the issue of how much I want this new life. Even when a month is bad and the motivation I had before is brittle, will I continue to press on?
I have decided there are several steps I need to take now to get back on track:
Step 1: Vacation-work has been challenging and I need a break. It has been months since I got an extended period of time off and I know this has played into my attitude about life in general. In a week I will be in NC filling my days with walking around and site seeing. If I continue to eat well, my vacation can actually be a kick start to doing things right when I get home too.
Step 2: I don't know why I have put off an appointment with my endocrinologist. I have good things to share with her about what I'm doing for myself and she will want to help me get back on the medications I need to make a real difference. Plus, since my surgery in May, my deductible has been met, so the visit and medication for the rest of the year should be covered, so this won't play into my stress over financial matters.
Step 3: Continuing to cook for myself and woman at work seems to be helping financially with food and keeping me on track eating like I should. Knowing I have a commitment to her to cook healthy food keeps me committed to healthy food for myself. I have successfully managed to keep on track with food for months now, so I see that as a trend that will continue. Now I have to step it up one more level and work on eliminating the few unhealthy trends I am keeping too like ice cream every night and candy at work daily.
Step 4: Getting back to my daily walking routine. Despite the August set back, I did walk a loop around my office building at one point and compared the time to what I walked in the past. I proudly noted that my time was faster by quite a bit. My back and legs also continue to not hurt me like they did when I first started. I know that change has happened even if it's not as apparent right now.
I set the goals I did because they don't take into account the amount of weight I am losing. My goals are based on feeling better and being more active. I know that if I continue to focus on those things, the other things like weight, losing inches, and controlling my PCOS will fall into line on their own. So I'm putting August 2017 behind me. I will literally never see the month again. It's time to focus on September and my favorite season, fall which will be perfect for beautiful walks and bike rides in the foliage.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Color Run 5k
I was tricked by the Ohio weather a couple weeks ago and didn't go to the Color Run event I signed up for. I was certain the looming heavy rain and thunderstorms would cancel the event. I ended up being very wrong and as a result, did not participate in my first 5k race. I'm happy the event sent me the medal in the mail though so I could still earn it. I decided that this medal would need to be earned as a 5k and I would have to walk the mileage at one time. It was a good endurance test for me and I'm happy to report that I walked the 3.107 miles with little difficulty but unfortunately not without significant bug bite attacks.
Fall will be my season-July results
July was a rough month. It was the first full month that I managed two very busy desk at work. The girl who was out on maternity leave is finally back so this means my life can go back to a more normal pace and routine. I didn't do much in July as far as kicking up my activity level. It was a success for me to continue eating well and finding motivation to get a walk in a couple times a week. The weather also did not cooperate. If it wasn't raining for days in a row, the heat index was off the charts and it was not safe to be out walking in that heat. I did good the end of July being more active though. My determination to earn medals increased which got me out walking 2+ miles each time. I also found new past time enjoyment playing a group game. Since I'm new to how it works, I have been listening to podcast of other people playing and it's provided me with enjoyment listening to the game being played while I walk. I credit my loss of inches to this last week. Despite it not being a great month, the measurements chart gives a different picture. I am honestly a little shocked at some of the numbers. No gains and several significant losses. I don't see significant change to my face other than hair style, but I'll let others be the judge since I look at that face every day.
Weight: (+) 0 pounds
Neck: - 1/2 inch
Chest: - 1 inch
Stomach (+) 0 inches
Hips (+) 0 inches
Up Arm: (+) 0 inches
Up Leg: - 1 inch
Calf: - 1 inch
Weight: (+) 0 pounds
Neck: - 1/2 inch
Chest: - 1 inch
Stomach (+) 0 inches
Hips (+) 0 inches
Up Arm: (+) 0 inches
Up Leg: - 1 inch
Calf: - 1 inch
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I don't remember a day in my life when I haven't bitten my nails. For 32 (almost 33 years) I have lived my life with practically no...
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It feels cliché and appropriate that for three months my blog has been silent, and on the first day of 2018 I should remember that it even e... -
July was a rough month. It was the first full month that I managed two very busy desk at work. The girl who was out on maternity leave is ...