This is life or death!

My bank accounts may start screaming at me, but it has never been more important in my life for me to be motivated to work on my health.  This is why despite the sometimes pricey tags, I am committed to doing one virtual half marathon a month and have also purchased a medal that I am dedicating to a long distance achievement.  I have chosen this medal to represent 200 miles. 

The breakdown of how I want this to work is each month has a theme.  More than likely I will find a theme that matches with a holiday in that month.  For example, May is Mother's Day and Memorial Day.  For the first part of the month, I am doing the "One Tough Mother" virtual race featuring Rosie the Riveter in her iconic pose with the words "We Can Do It."  This is a half marathon that I expect to be able to complete in a week and a half of walking.  At the end of the month, I will be doing a medal dedicated to the men and women of the military who lost their lives called "Remember the Fallen."  It has a great medal showing a soldier kneeling with a flag behind him.  A dog tag hangs from the medal with the words, "All gave some, some gave all."  I will be doing this medal as a half marathon as well.  One of the great things about the virtual race sites is they donate a portion of the money to a charity that the medal represents.  During the in-between days and weeks when I'm not working toward a specific medal, I will be doing mileage that goes toward my 200 mile challenge.  My goal is to do those 200 miles before the end of the year.  It seems like a huge number, but when you break it down my months, it really is not that bad.  This medal is sentimental to the journey I am on and my fitness motto, "She Believed She Could, So She Did."

This to me is motivation.  Yes, it will eat away at some of my monthly budget, but like I said before, this is important.  This is a matter of life and death in fact.  My health determines if I spend my time on this planet living fully alive or sitting in front of my TV watching my life get shorter with each passing day.  Everyone has to find their motivation if they intend to succeed at their health goals.  It just so happens I'm not so unlike most women I guess; I do love bling.

Preparation

I recently have been listening to a comedian and speaker named Michael Jr.  He's well known in the comedy community for being a clean comedian.  But more than that, he's an inspirational speaker.  He talks a lot about how growing up he had a lot of difficulty reading.  No one really knew his struggle because as a young kid he learned how to figure out what the word was by looking at different aspects of it.  He credits this challenge as a kid to why he is a successful comedian today.  What was a difficulty in his life prepared him for what God had in his future.  What he didn't know then was he was practicing. 

I have been thinking about this a lot recently.  What in my own childhood or growing up have I been practicing at that allows me to be successful today?  Or what have I been practicing that will one day allow me to be successful at something?

Today I found that one of my blogs was given a "Voted Featured Blog Post" on SparkPeople.  The post was from back in April 8 where I wrote about progress and how it is just putting one foot in front of the other and denying the voice in your head that says you can't take another step.  I was immediately overwhelmed by how many people had commented and told me how much my post had meant to them.  I was very humbled but also incredibly shocked at my own words.  Where had I learned to write with such passion and deep thought?  Who was the author behind such expressive words? 

Today I remembered the childhood I cherish and several things have stood out to me.  I have always been a creative soul.  Expressing words and thoughts has never been a problem for me.  I often played at giving presentations or pretended to be a lecturer giving a lesson to students about the authors of books.  I didn't know anything about those authors, but my creativity gave them each a unique background based on the titles of their books.  At the age of 15 I got my first job.  While most kids worked in grocery stores or mowing lawns, I was giving guided tours of 150 year old homes to groups of 20+ strangers at a time.  This is undoubtedly one of the reasons for my love of history and antiques.  In school, I was rarely without a book.  I give my mother full credit for my love of reading.  I read well above my grade level my entire school career and often detached myself from my own reality to create myself as a character in the book's reality.  Even today as a 32 year old woman, I find myself watching movies, TV shows, or playing a good game that makes me contemplate what my character would be in those worlds.  My mind often spins with good ideas for stories.  I suppose I forgot to mention that I wrote stories as a teenager too.  My fingers seemed to fly across the keyboard with story plots and characters. 

So what does this make me today?  For as much as I was humbled by the blog feature, I am also very proud of the training from my past.  It allows me to reach out to people now and leave an impression on their day by just using the thoughts in my head translated out into words in a blog.

Gallbladder Surgery: Finally behind me, but the bugger didn't go quietly

Tuesday of this week I finally had my gallbladder removed.  I was supposed to have it removed a couple weeks ago, but the surgery was cancelled due to a water main break at the hospital.  It sucked getting no sleep the night before and waking up at 4 in the morning only to find out it wasn't going to happen.  My parents had even come into town the night before and spent a sleepless night in a hotel.  Despite the setback, I have some realizations now that I was less stressed going into procedure this second time.  It was like I got a trial run and honestly I'm pleased I found out about the cancellation before we made the trip downtown. 

For the most part my recovery is going very well.  I was happy with my experience at Grant.  Everyone was very professional, but also very personable and friendly.  I don't remember being very nervous.  I put my trust in the teams there that they knew what they were doing and I just needed to let them do what they were trained for.  I came out of the anesthesia kind of rough though.  The air they had used to inflate my stomach put a lot of pressure on my diaphragm and lungs, so I woke up gasping for air and extremely uncomfortable.  I became alert pretty quickly though and it really didn't take much time before I was heading out the door coming home.  The first two days were probably the worst as far as soreness, but I don't remember having much pain and I haven't relied heavy on the pain medication either.  Today has been more of a struggle with boredom, so I'm anxious to get out of the house this weekend if possible. 

Perhaps the most surprising development was that the surgeon was forced to make a larger incision than she expected to because my gallbladder was more enlarged than the pictures from my tests revealed.  She said I had been growing stones for quite some time but I could have told her that.  I have gone through years of stomach issues on and off.  But it's only been recently I have really been worried about the possibility I was really hurting my body.  I know I should have had it looked at sooner, but honestly this is the right time; I'm focused on my health and making my life better. 

I could write so much more here, but I'm not sure what else there is to say.  Life will be back to normal before I know it and I am anxious to see how the missing gallbladder contributes.  I'm ready to be back on Metformin, walking daily, and eating right.  I want to see progress and change for the better.

I'm Not Alone: PCOS cysters

I had a fantastic morning drinking coffee and eating a light breakfast with some ladies I met in my past, but reconnected with later in our adult years.  They are fellow PCOS "Cysters" and each has their own story about how PCOS has affected their lives. 

When you consider that PCOS affects 1 in 10 women, it brings into perspective that every day you walk among women who either know they have PCOS, or possibly are uneducated about why they have weight they can't lose or menstrual cycles that are never regular. 

Part of the reason I started this blog was to help educate.  I saw a car ribbon recently that said, "I define PCOS, PCOS does not define me."  The effects of PCOS are different for every woman.  Some, like myself, fall onto the more severe scale.  Others, like a woman I work with, have issues with fertility, but her weight has not affected her as uncontrollable beast in her life. 

It may seem odd to say I "own" my PCOS, but you can see it in a couple of ways.  PCOS will always be a part of me; it's a reality I have to deal with.  There is no cure.  I will always fight my hormonal imbalance.  However, I have made a decision to "own" it.  I'm not afraid to tell people about my struggle.  I'm very open about it.  It is a part of me, but it's not going to continue controlling me.  With the right eating plan, exercise, and medications, PCOS is manageable.  I have seen women who are success stories.  It doesn't mean they don't have to struggle with it every day.  Managing PCOS is a lifestyle change.  It's a journey I wasn't ready to undertake till recently, but now that I'm ready, everything is falling into place as it needs to.  The support, chef, walking buddy, and desire all showed up at the right time.  If you believe in signs, God put a very solid one in my path.  I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts; even the ones we don't publicly speak or possibly even know about.  He knew I was becoming very unhappy with my healthy situation and didn't know how I was going to make the change. 

He started with a walking buddy just to get me moving.  Not only was she willing to walk with me, she was anxious to do it as well.  Our walks are not sporadic; we are pretty consistence lunch and afternoon walkers when the weather permits.

Next, God knew that once I started feeling better, it would be easier to pull the trigger on other things.  So He brought a chance friend back into my life who also happened to be a chef.  I am not a cook.  I like to cook when I'm in the right frame of mind, but lets just say that frame of mind doesn't show up very often.  As a result, I tend to eat poorly and make bad food judgement calls.  I never really struggled with breakfast, so He brought me someone who was willing to cook my lunches and dinners thought the week.  Not only that, she cooks to my needs for low carb/low fat, and works within my daily calorie range. 

And finally, the support, which brings me back full circle to where this blog first started.  God has placed a desire in my heart and even a need to reach out to people.  I find I get the most motivation and support for myself, when I am doing the same for other people.  I have always craved intelligent, respectful conversation.  And those who know me also know I love to talk.  I think it is especially important to connect with people who share your struggles.

To conclude this blog, I really just want to encourage anyone who may read it that no matter what you are going through, someone else is going through it too.  They may even be a really good actor and you can't tell that something is going on in their life.  Be open to just listening and maybe you will find they come to you in their own time.  And believe that if God puts them in your life, He's doing it for a reason.  I'm not saying the experience will always be positive.  God puts people in our lives as lessons as much as He put them there as permanent friends.  But maybe you helping them in return helps you too.

Progress

Progress is just putting one foot in front of the other, and denying the voice in your head that says you can't take another step.  Today was the first day that I have challenged myself to go for a walk without someone with me.  I really don't like to walk.  It's not my favorite form of exercise, however, it is the most important form of exercise for me right now.  With a sedentary work life, it's important that I am moving daily.  Also, in my current physical state, I am unable to do the more vigorous exercise I want to do like kickboxing or running.  So I am left pushing myself to walk more steps every day in order to accomplish meeting more miles. 

It helps that I have discovered virtual runs/events, which allow me to earn medals for distances like 5k, 10k, or even half marathons.  With today's mileage, I am now only 6.156 miles away from earning my first medal, "She Believe She Could, So She Did."  This medal is becoming sentimental to me because it also expresses how I am approaching my overall journey.  It is the same basis I established years ago with my "Power Diaries" campaign.  The two go together so well, I decided to combine the concepts into this new journey.  She Believed She Could, So She Did means I recognize I have the power to change my life.  If I believe I can achieve this, the mental battle is well underway to being won.  And as I stated earlier, progress is just winning one mental battle after another that keeps you moving.     

Virtual Runs

I have the heart of a runner.  I have known for years that running for exercise and enjoyment was something I wanted to do.  My problem is I have never had the body capable of doing more than a short sprint.  And my short, I mean quick enough to get me to the bathroom when I really have to go.  I ran like any kid growing up in my backyard, on the playground, or chasing our dog, but as I got older, my life became more and more sedentary until it wasn't a matter of if I wanted to run, I simply could not.  My PCOS didn't help matter either.  The more I gave in to cravings and chose to take naps instead of go for walks, the more the pounds piled on month after month which has bled into years of unhealthy days.  I don't expect to make a decision today to run a 5k and wake up tomorrow capable of it, but I do know that I can start on that path now. 

For those unfamiliar with virtual runs, they are no different from a regular race except you don't have to show up on a certain day with hundreds of strangers to run a course.  In fact, you don't have to run it at all.  You pay a registration fee which I have found most donate a portion of the money to charity.  You then participate by doing that distance; 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon, etc.  After posting your time, you get a medal!  I don't know about you, but I'm a woman, and I'm motivated by bling!  In fact, I am going to dedicate a whole wall of my room to earning and displaying medals from my virtual competitions.  Then one day I will add medals from regular races.  Ken Davis said in his book, "Fully Alive," that one thing you learn as a runner is that races aren't about competing with the other racers.  They are about competing with yourself.  I'm not capable at the moment of going to a 5k race and even really competing with myself.  Most days I have to stop after half a mile to stretch the pain out of my lower back.  At 320 pounds, I can't go to a race and feel good about myself being there.  I may argue with myself later this year about that comment, but for now, it's how I feel.  Doing virtual races, however, will allow me to earn rewards at my own pace and at the right time.  I will still get to compete with myself, just in a different arena where I'm not watching people fade in the distance and start feeling bad about myself.  At this point in my fit journey, it's about small, measurable goals and being able to be consistent with them.

My first medal I am earning is on it's way here now.  This site doesn't require you to post your time before receiving it.  It may have been ambitious, but I did come out swinging, and since I'm sentimental, my first medal will be a half marathon for a race called, "She Believes She Could, So She Did."  I believe I can walk a half marathon split up over several days and I already have small measures of proof that I can do it.  I won't accomplish the goal before the medal arrives, although it may be fun to try, so I won't open it until the distance is met.  I put a little under a mile and a half toward the goal today.  Rain and snow will keep me away the next two days, but come this weekend, it's on!

No Surgery Tuesday

After all the anticipation and build up, my surgery was cancelled Tuesday morning.  I literally had no sleep the night before.  I got out of bed at 4 a.m. though with purpose and got in the shower.  When I got out, I got my phone to call my parents and make sure they were up, only to find a voicemail from the surgical center telling me a water main break was forcing them to cancel all the surgeries.  At first I was shocked.  I think I may have even pinched myself once or twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  But once the truth set in, I realized the seemingly impossible had happened.  Yes, I cried for a while.  So instead of finally breaking up with my troublesome gallbladder, I said goodbye to my parents and went to work.  I feel bad knowing they drove here Monday night after their long days at work, slept in and not to mention PAID FOR, a night in a hotel, only to go home the next morning after having sleepless nights themselves.

Despite this set back, the surgeons office did a good job of rescheduling me and now my new surgery date is April 18.  It's two weeks to wait and have to deal with my gallbladder issues, but I'm trying to keep the pesky bugger at bay.  I'm doing my best to stay away from high fat foods and I'm continuing to walk with my friend Amy Jo when weather permits. 

An Introduction

My name is Rebekah and I have been overweight almost my whole life.  It is a fact I have reconciled myself to for, well, my whole life.  I still remember my mother telling me when I was younger that I would probably never be a thin girl.  Perhaps I have underestimated how much that simple statement has stuck with me and at times I wonder if it effects my thoughts subconsciously.  I think as I get older the statement doesn't sting the way it used to.  Society tells women they should strive to be thin because thin is beautiful.  I prefer to think that strong is beautiful; both in body and mind.  I would rather be a 180 pound woman with muscle definition and curves than a stick figure with a perfect thigh gap.  It's taken me time to come to these conclusions though and my thoughts about my health were not always healthy or attainable.

Two years ago I turned 30.  It's a monumental number really.  At least in my own mind I think of 30 as you finally made it!  You aren't a 20 something year old fresh out of college and getting settled in a career.  By 30 you have come face to face with the world pretty head on.  You have experienced victories, defeats, and setbacks.  Adulting...isn't it grand?  At 30, I was adulating pretty well.  I had a career working for a global logistics company as a customs broker, I had enough money to pay my bills and left over to save each paycheck, and I knew who I was.  Yes, I was single, but I was in a good place where if that was my future, I was really, truly okay with it.  I had all these things and something else; weight and a lot of it.  Since starting my desk job 5 years earlier, my life had become sedentary.  I had gone from around 250 to almost 300 pounds.  I told myself I wouldn't allow my weight to go over 300.  A year later, the scales tipped over 300 and I was well on my way to 320.  300 must have been the magic number in my life because once my weight busted through that marker, I started to really notice how unhealthy I felt all the time and how simple task were becoming more complex and difficult.  Fast forward to my 32nd birthday just this month on the 13th.  I weigh 320 pounds.  Standing to fold my laundry requires several times of sitting down to rest because my back starts to ache so bad.  Cleaning my apartment has to be done in time managed increments because I can't keep move, bending, and lifting for a continuous period.  If given the choice to take a walk or lay down to take a nap, the nap wins every time.  My personal hygiene has become more of a task and I often don't feel as clean as I should.  It all adds up to one thing.  My weight has finally started to rule my life completely.  Every action, movement, and task is dictated by how and if I can manage it.

I tried to lose weight many times before and of those times, only once did I really give it a good go.  At the time, I was living at home with my parents, struggling to find a job that would allow me to move out and have my own life.  Only a short time before, I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short.  The doctor told me it was affecting my health and weight negatively because it messed with my hormonal levels.  Suddenly a lot of things in my life made sense; the depression, the dark areas of scaly skin, the constant weight gain, the random, and most of the time nonexistent cycles, and my desires for sugars/carbs daily.  I did my own research too and realized I was dealing with something that I couldn't get rid of.  I would forever be linked to this.  It would have been easy to give up knowing there was no "cure" but instead, it pushed me.  I wanted to be better and do better.  I started taking Metformin and birth control regularly to regulate my body's imbalances.  I was fortunate to have an active job and even when I came home, I still put in time working out.  I ate better by drinking more water and counting calories.  My body started to respond!  I lost 30-40 pounds in about 7-8 months.  People started to notice and as they noticed, I noticed too.  I felt good. I felt accomplished!  My weight was 220 pounds.  I was 20 pounds away from being officially out of the 200 pound bracket.  I had looked PCOS in the face and said beat it!!

We have already established, however, that this didn't last.  My memory of the day things changed is the first day we drove into North Carolina to lay my grandmother to rest and finalize her last wishes.  It was a bad week; full of raw emotion, hotel living, eating out having bad food every meal, and no exercise.  I'm pretty sure upon weighing myself when we got back I had gaining back 10 pounds in a week.  Life wasn't great either in my own personal life.  I was struggling to make ends meet financially, I had a bad living situation, and I just didn't care.  I let myself go.  All the things I had pushed myself to be better at I now allowed to run amuck in my life.  The weight came back and when I started my career a little over 6 years ago, I was back at 250 pounds.

This brings us pretty much up to speed today.  I still have that job.  I have done well for myself overall.  I finally have my own apartment, a really nice car, independence, hobbies, and good friends.  But I also still have the weight.  A constant reminder that I have a good life, but because I'm so heavy, it's not a fully alive one.  I stole that from a book I have started reading again, or rather, started listening to.  Ken Davis is a Christian comedian and motivational speaker.  I came across his book randomly one day while I was looking for a comedian to listen to at work.  His presentation to an audience about his book, Fully Alive, struck a nerve with me that day.  He spoke about having everything he wanted but having become complacent, he had stopped living.  His health was becoming affected to a point he could no longer enjoy things like running around with his grandchildren and he likened his state to being a dead man.  I immediately ordered his book when I got home and after reading a couple chapters, it became a lovely, dusty decoration in my home.  It would take several years for me to pick the book back up again, but his message has always stuck with me.  He quoted a second-century bishop and theologian Saint Irenaeus that has never left me.  "God's glory is the earth creature made fully and eternally alive with the life of the Spirit."  In simple terms, the glory of God is man fully alive, by Ken's interpretation.  Now I have been going on for a while now and this introduction is getting long, so I'll save how this book has changed my attitude for now, but let me say that a light bulb went off the moment I realized my spiritual health and physical health were interdependence on each other.  If I didn't work on one, I wouldn't be able to work on the other. 

I don't want to live my 30 years as an unhealthy person.  I have known for a long time that I have the power to change my life, I just have to set my mind down the correct course of thought, step out in faith, and do it.  Over the past two weeks, a friend and I have started walking regularly.  It's hard to fight for every step knowing many years ago I could do an hour of kickboxing straight.  But the point is that I have started and I have discovered a secondary motivation. Virtual races!  I have a runner's heart, just not the physical body to do that right now.  For the same cost as a registration fee, you can pay for finisher metals once you complete your mileage goals.  How awesome is this!  Even as a 320 pound woman, I can earn rewards for taking myself for a walk!  As I sit here writing, I am reminded of another hurdle coming down next week.  My gallbladder comes out next Tuesday.  The gallstones inside have become a painful (literal) reminder of my poor food choices.  Once it does, my fuel will be low fat and low carb.  Each of these things has a greater purpose toward my healthy living.  Once my gallbladder is gone, my body will not be as able to deal with fat like it once was because it won't have storage of bile available to help with digestion.  The low carb side of things is to help control my PCOS; both the cravings and to help my body better process food so it doesn't get stored as fat.  With me on this part of the journey, is another friend who will be cooking meals for me throughout the week.  I can hear you now, but here's the deal.  I don't like cooking.  I never have.  Because of this, it becomes a major stumbling block for me when I need to eat a certain way.  Paying someone else to buy and prepare my meals guarantees to a degree that I am eating good, healthy food to fuel my body. 

There is so much more to tell and I'm going to do that though this blog in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.  If no one ever reads this, it's fine.  It's not about others ultimately.  If my story can inspire someone else, that's great!  But at the end of every blog post, this is about me.  And so I leave this first post with a picture.  It's not a flattering one but it's real because it's me in my current state.  In a time where I avoid having my picture taken because I can't control how I will look, I post a lot of edited selfies. But because I know things will get better, I'm okay with sharing it.