Let your thoughts manifest in your actions

I love to travel.  Nothing thrills me more than to pack a bag and take a road trip to a place I have never been.  What I hate about road trips, however, is when these trips take place in the summer months.  When it's cold, I'm a styling genius.  I wrap myself in pretty scarves, knee high boots, and cute jackets.  But when the warmer months hit, my body image issues surface in a very real way.  While packing for my trip with my mom this weekend, it became quite apparent that between summer of last year and May of this, my weight ballooned quite a bit.  The shirts that I planned to pack for my weekend trip no longer fit and you better believe the frustration level hit very fast.  I shouldn't be in position right now where I have to go buy LARGER clothing.  I was prepared for the fact I would need to go buy smaller clothes at some point, but it feels like a backwards step to realize I still need to add bigger clothing to my wardrobe. 

This only brings to light more full that I have had two months of really only doing okay on my efforts.  I started strong, but the motivation of something new and exciting is starting to wear off.  I wrote last night about how I probably needed to buy another medal to earn so I can get the reward high.  Having to go buy new shirts today before we head out is like an anti award.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a woman, and I love to shop, but funds are tight right now and it wouldn't feel like such a big deal if I could say I was buying smaller sizes. 

I have to find a way to shake myself out of this slump I have found myself in.  I'm still dedicated to working on me; it's on my mind every day.  But thought is just that; thought.  It's an invisible process that shows no physical progress unless it meets action. 

But that's just it isn't it?  Dedication means nothing as a thought.  I have a dedication to preserving history thought photography and exploring abandoned buildings, but if I only think about going out for a drive to take pictures, it proves nothing.  Those thoughts are invisible desires and wants that will never manifest themselves in my physical world until I put action behind them.  My health is no different.  I can sit here all day thinking about going for a walk and how it will improve my overall health, but the longer I sit here, the more times slips away for me to prove it's important to me.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  It's a cliché saying that we brush off, but it couldn't be more true.  I'm glad I took some time to sit down and get my thoughts out of my head.  It's helped me process this morning and how I have been feeling overall.  I need to write this somewhere that I can see it.

"Thought is just that; thought.  It's an invisible process that shows no physical progress unless it meets action. Let your desires and wants manifest in your actions, and you will find results." -RSpragen       

Riding the Struggle Bus

I have really been struggling over the past couple weeks.  My walking buddy hasn't been available very much to walk and suddenly it has made me realize that I do need to be pushed from time to time.  I'm more likely to go walk when I have a friend to talk to than by myself.  My eating hasn't been horrible, but I'm still craving sugar like a crazy person.  I'm jealous of the people out there who say they could do without sweets.  My overall motivation and passion is not as peak as it has been.  I knew these days would come and I told myself it was okay to go through times like this as long as I didn't give up on myself all together. 

I am a creature of habit.  I like my routine.  It allows me to know what is happening and when.  When my routine gets messed up, it tends to mess with my entire process.  The first jog in the road was my chef deciding she wasn't ready to take on her business again.  So now I'm back to planning, prepping, and cooking my own meals.  The second jog has been a shift in workload; having to stay later and being more stressed out.  The third has been after work and weekend plans.  When I can plan to go put on my workout gear and then go walk, it's easier than me having to go do something, THEN put on my workout gear and go walk.  If I go home before I have walked, you might as well count me out.  I sit down and that spells the end of any motivated activity.  I have been doing more on the weekends too which throws off my grocery shopping and cooking.  Lastly, my energy levels have been low.  I am tired a lot more recently.  I wanted to blame it on my period, but despite taking my Metformin again, my periods have not returned.  I thought perhaps the regular exercise would help too.

I know anxiety has been an issue too.  I have a lot of concerns about money and trying to reduce my monthly spending cost.  Living paycheck to paycheck is really starting to get to me.  I am thankful for my nice apartment and car.  I have food, water, power, etc., but I get nervous looking at the double digit number in my savings account and knowing if something went wrong, I would need help.  I don't like knowing I'm not self sufficient in hard times.

I'm too scared to weigh myself or do my measurements right now; even though it is the end of the month again.  I know I should do it, because I may be surprised, but I know how I feel when I don't see results.  I feel worst knowing I told myself I would step it up this week and other than walking a few days at lunch, I have done very little stepping up.  Maybe I need new motivation again, like a medal to work on.  I may need a reward I can earn fairly quickly. 

Give yourself permission

One of the keys to living more healthy and especially when it comes to weight loss is giving yourself permission to not be perfect.  I had a rough week.  A really rough week.  I lost my chef, I had no motivation to go for a walk, even though the weather was beautiful, I ate like crap, and my mood toward my health overall was apathetic.  It would be really easy right now to be down on myself and beat myself up for having such a crappy week, but instead of looking at the situation as I failed, I'm choosing to look at it as just one bad day. I purposely bought a pizza and brownies yesterday knowing they were bad for me.  There is a reason I weigh over 300 pounds; I tend to eat my feelings.  I had a rough week and I just really wanted to eat something that was bad for me.  There is no mystery behind how I came to weigh this much.  I crave carbs and sugars.  It's one of the worst side affects of having PCOS and when I'm stressed out, my body goes into craving overdrive. 

While I could sit here all day and boo-hoo about my situation, my mindset about my health is different than how it previously was.  One day of bad eating has not derailed my health journey.  I'm still on the right course to change my life.  First thing this morning, I drove to Kroger and picked up a week's worth of healthy food and ingredients to prep lunch and dinner this week.  While my chicken taco soup and cauliflower bake cooked, I was active.  I cleaned my fridge, I wiped down my kitchen, and I even got on my hand and knees to scrub the floor.  I have spent most of my Sunday doing things around my house instead of sitting around.

There are many reasons I have chosen to not weigh myself regularly, but here's one of the big ones.  What do I accomplish by having a bad eating day and then putting myself on a scale the next morning?  I will only demotivate myself.  I would only end up looking at that number as a sign that I don't have the will power to really do this and instead of doing something active with my day, I would sit around telling myself there was no point.  My body will recover from one bad day of eating.  I will eat right this week and I will walk regularly.  Saturday will just be one bad day in the middle of a whole lot of good days.  These are the things I want to remember.  I want to remember how I rallied to have a really good week and how that good week made all the difference in my life.

Food Challenges

Part of the reason I was so excited to be working on my health was because I wasn't going to have to worry about the food side of things.  I have a friend who used to own her own successful catering business.  She closed her business because it started to consume her life and take away from her family.  On a day trip together a little over a month back, we discussed how I don't like cooking and she mentioned that she was looking to start a home business cooking meals for people.  We came to an agreement pretty quickly and she started cooking low carb/low fat, pre cooked, and pre portioned meals.  We have been doing this for several weeks now.  Knowing that this was new territory for her, I was willing to work with her on the meals also knowing they wouldn't all be winners.  Because she has been pre-making the food, a lot of it has been frozen which took away the taste and freshness.  I came to a point I started to really miss fresh food and told her so.  A day after telling her this and agreeing we would need to meet more often to give me fresh food, she made a decision to step back from the business and get some things together in her life before pursuing this again.  I was disappointed but I can't be mad at a married mother of two who also looks after a senior in high school getting ready to graduate.  My desire for fresh food would force her to cook more often and find more time to make deliveries.  I can't fault her for not wanting to do that.  While she didn't say these were the reasons, I could see how it would be. 

So this puts me back in a position of trying to figure out how I will buy, cook, and eat well for my health goals.  I don't like to cook.  It is one of the things I know I have to do to survive, but as a single woman with a stressful job, it's easier to pick up food on the way home.  This is, of course, the wrong answer for my health and wallet.  When you add in that I walk after work till sometimes 7 or later, it leaves very little to no time to cook a meal.  I'll need to find ways to cook or prep food on the weekend that will stay good through the week.  I see a lot of crockpot meals in my future and research in my upcoming weekend to get things figured out.  I can't lie though, I'm looking forward to fresh food again. 

To Push Away My Fear. To Stand Where I'm Afraid

Earlier this week I wrote about my rally song and how the words spoke very specifically to my circumstances.  Since last night my thoughts have been very focused on the fear aspect of losing weight.  While I am better now at experiencing new things and putting myself in uncomfortable situations, the fear of failure is always with me.  There is only one other time in my life where I have managed to successfully lose weight.  I lost 40 pounds in about 7-8 months, but the weight loss did not stick and I ended up even heavier than when I started.  I have had debates with myself in the past over losing weight and often thought about how nice it would be to actually do it, but I never followed through.  I have a habit of being a big dreamer.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I tend to strike out on things really fast and with a lot of passion only to find X amount of time down the road, I have used up all that passion and drive, or I get comfortable in my circumstances and it creates complacency. 

Last night I attended a Columbus Crew soccer game with a friend who is also on a journey to improve her health.  She mentioned she was doing a color run in July.  My first instinct was how cool that sounded and I could earn more race bling.  It was, however, immediately followed by fear.  While my goal is to run races one day, I have never been comfortable with large crowds of people.  I have often thought it has a lot to do with my weight; squeezing by people, trying to work around them in tight spaces, and of course, feeling judgement from the thin and fit of society.  These fears translate over to races for me now too.  My thinking is always "one day."  One day I want to do races.  One day I want to push myself to compete.  One day....one day....

The Color Run has been foremost on my mind this morning and I know it's because I need to address the fear.  First, it's a fun race.  People are going to have a good time and enjoy themselves.  There is not likely to be many hardcore runners there.  Second, people who run races tend to be very supportive and friendly individuals.  I think it may have something to do with the endorphin highs.  *giggle*  Third, I will be with friends and they aren't running the 3 miles.  We will be walking the race together. 

When put in that perspective, yes, the fear is still there regarding crowds and new situations, but what am I doing this for anyway if not to step outside my comfort zone and push my limits?!  THIS is my moment to prove I can push away my fear and stand where I'm afraid. 

Tough Mother Medal Half Marathon

I claimed another medal today.  The timing could not have been more perfect.  I completed the mileage at lunch and picked up the medal in my mail after work.  At this rate, my wall is going to fill up fast.  I may need to make the mileage for each longer so it takes me more time to get the miles done. 

The commitment to these medals is more than for my health.  I am committing money and time to each one.  My financial status is not great right now, so each time I put money out for a new medal, I'm dedicating financially to my health in a big way.

In addition to my half marathon medal, I also got my race kit for my long distance challenge in the mail.  The medal represents 200 miles.  I anticipate it will take me the year to complete.  The kit came with several items including a car decal, bib, necklace, and shirt.  I decided to put up the bib since I'm working on those miles.  The necklace I want to wear as a motivation item and I am putting the decal on my car since it has become my campaign.  However, the shirt and medal are staying in the mailer till the miles are done.  While the shirt says it's an XL, it's much more like a small.  The way I see it, by the time I earn those 200 miles, maybe I would have also earned a body that can fit or is close to fitting into the shirt.  I tried to put the shirt on earlier and didn't even come close to getting it on.  How fun will it be to try again at the end of the year and the thing actually go on smoothly?

I Am The Fire

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I'm afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I've been sacrificed
My Heart's been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace
Won't let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I've embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waited for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire

"I Am the Fire" by Halestorm

The moment I heard this song, I knew I had found my battle cry.  The words spoke to me in a way few other songs ever have, because it's a song about me.  Am I brave enough?  Am I strong enough?  Losing weight is not for the weak.  People call others who are overweight weak because they think we have no self control or we are lazy.  What they fail to see is a person who may be very damaged, who may live with a medical condition, or whose past is a series of misfortunes.  There is nothing weak about stepping outside those circumstances and doing something as extreme as losing weight.  Many of us wear our weight like a shield.  It keeps us from experiences or attention that triggers memories or deeper rooted fears.  I fear losing weight.  My reasons are my own and perhaps I will face them in another blog.  But it is enough to know, they are there and very real. 

I have no doubt that like myself, other have a burning in themselves to change their physical existence.  There is a desire in me to release the person who I feel is trapped inside this 300 pound prison.  Can I break through my fears and stand up for who I want to be when I'm afraid? 

I know I am more than this.  If I did not believe it, I would not dedicate my time, money, and resources to changing my daily habits and thus change my physical self.  I have not been as vocal about my health changes as I have been in the past with people.  My office has a weight loss challenge going on that I did not join and while I know people around me know that I am walking almost daily, I don't bring it up in conversations continually. 

This is a personal journey.  The battle is with myself and while I have invited others like Amy Jo to join me, even she will not see everything I am doing.  I made the promise to MYSELF.  Me ALONE.  NO ONE ELSE.  I am accountable only to the woman inside me fighting to get out.  And it is HER flame that is rising higher and burning brighter.  She has been waiting for me to set the plan in motion, screaming like a siren in my mind every time I don't participate in something because I'm afraid I will fail, or when I don't go somewhere because I know I can't keep up. 

She is not the only one there though.  She may be the hope, but there are the ghost too.  Ghost of the past...ghost of the present...even ghost already in my future.  Those who tell me I can't, that I'm a woman with PCOS and we aren't thin people, or even the voices that say I can lose the weight, but I'll still be a lose skinned freak the rest of my life.  Others tell me my motivation won't last.  I'll quit.  Just give it another couple of weeks or months.  I'll get bored, I won't desire this as much as I did, and I'll stop.  I'll stop because it's what I have always done.

How do you silence the voices?  I think the answer is, you don't.  You let them make you mad and use THAT as part of your motivation.  You can only silence those voices by proving them wrong.  Let your actions speak louder than words.  When you don't feel like going for a walk, turn on music that rallies your battle cry, and take on the ghosts.

Don't allow the ghosts of the past to decide your future.  You may trip, but you won't fall if your vision is set forward.  Those who fall and remain down are those who allow the past to hold them there.  I will fix my sight further than that one moment, forgive myself, and continue moving forward. 

If you don't know this song, I highly suggest it for people looking for a battle cry.  It's incredibly motivating for those days that you just don't feel like going another step, when you would rather sit on the couch than go outside and enjoy the sunshine, when life has you down and you don't want to get back up. 

Say to yourself:

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...