The victory is that I rallied in the end

I'm purposely not starting by writing a post title to this blog because I'm hoping for something better to come from writing about my lack of blogs this last month and the crummy month September was.  Where do I even start?  September held so many exciting things for me when I reflected on what I hoped for in this past month.  I had a new Jeep, which I loved, and was super excited to take to North Carolina on my trip to see family.  I was a stranger in many ways to some of these family members and I looked forward to getting to know them better.  I had plans to go see a high school classmate who I had not seen since we were seniors and an afternoon of new abandoned places to explore with a friend.  I also knew the temperatures would start to come down into fall comfort and with that, my desire to go for walks and rides would increase.  I do love a fall evening above most things.

Labor Day weekend was the beginning of the excitement.  I was seeing the classmate and going on some abandoned places explores.  At the last minute, both plans fell through.  I tried to put on a happy face regardless and find a way to still have a good weekend.  After all, a week after I would be in North Carolina exploring the back roads with my new Jeep.  Excited for the trip, I made the decision to drive into town and go look for some new shirts.  A short time after arriving, someone came into the store alerting us that a car had just crashed into a Lexus in the parking lot.  One of the girls who worked there quickly said that was her car and rushed outside.  I remember feeling relief that they hadn't hit my Jeep.  But as quickly as the relief was there, it was filled with a horrible gut feeling that something was not right.  Not more than 15 seconds later, the same woman returned to say the white Jeep with temp tags had also been hit.  My heart sank and I went numb.  How could I be having the worst day ever?  The details are lengthy, but the cliff note version is a Tim Hortons employee had taken her manager's leased company vehicle for a joy ride and crashed it into a Lexus that was then pushed into my Jeep.  The Lexus took the worst beating and was totaled.  My Jeep suffered bumper damager and dragging damage to the back wheel.  The driver who hit us was on drugs, had Xanax in her pocket, and was taken to jail for felony drug possession and distribution warrants.  The battle with the insurance companies then began.  My Jeep was in a storage lot for over a week before it moved to a body shop.  Because the Tim Horton's vehicle's manager was trying to claim the vehicle was stolen, it delayed the process with that insurance picking up the bill and threw my life into a tailspin of phone calls, rental cars, missed work hours, and cancelled plans.  I unhappily went through four rental cars during this time because of the switch back and forth between insurance covering and not covering them.  My vacation did happen a week after it was originally planned to and I did make the most of it.  However, it sucked having to drive a vehicle the first leg of the trip that I really didn't like and was not powerful enough to tackle the mountains.  For this reason, I didn't do all the things I planned to do with a powerful four wheel drive Jeep.  The situations with insurance and rental cars stressed the limits of an already difficult relationship with my dad.  It was an added stress I didn't need when I was already dealing with a lot.

With all the stress over my first accident, taking care of myself really became a back burner topic.  While I continued to eat decently well, I gave up on taking walks.  I really just didn't care.  I still have two unopened medals in my dresser.  I'm happy to report that I rallied myself the end of September.  I kept my appointment to see my Endocrinologist and she put me back on the medication I need to take daily to help my body process sugars correctly and put me back on the right path to losing weight.  I managed to get some walks in and even went on a day adventure with a friend to check out Point Pleasant, WV.  It turned into a day of walking and hiking which was good for me.  I also found out today that my Jeep is finally fixed, so I can look forward to taking it home to show my family this weekend.

September sucks, but I feel good about not giving up and coming back from a really challenging month in the end.  My walking partner is no longer working a second job, so she will be able to go back to meeting me after work and on weekends.  Being the beginning of a month, I still need to report numbers, but I think I will wait till tomorrow to be accountable for that.  I feels good to at least gotten the month's owes down on paper so I can move on into October.

August Measurement Results

Weight:     (+) 0 pounds
 Neck:        (+) 0 inches
Chest:        (+) 0 inches
Stomach     + 1 inch
Hips           (+) 0 inches
Up Arm:    (+) 0 inches
Up Leg:      + 1 inch
Calf:           (+) 0 inches

August 2017 can just go away

I dreaded stepping on the scale this morning.  I knew I had to do it if I was going to keep myself accountable long term to my monthly check ins.  I was perhaps surprised to find my weight had not changed.  I certainly did not expect to see the number down after the failure my August turned out to be.  I was full of ambition when I started into August and somehow it all crumbled as the month went on.  A couple of my measurements are also up which was expected, but I'm pleased that the majority did not change.

August has been rough; not only from a activity standpoint, but from a stress standpoint.  I know that when my stress is the highest and things in my personal life feel they are falling apart, this is the time I should go for walks the most.  Unfortunately, I'm not good yet at forcing the issue with myself during these times.  I'm also not good at wanting to be outside when it's hot.  August came in like a lion with hot, humid temperatures and fortunately looks to be going out like a lamb.  The temps have been more than reasonable, but even so, my motivation has not kicked in.  These are the trying moments that will push the issue of how much I want this new life.  Even when a month is bad and the motivation I had before is brittle, will I continue to press on?

I have decided there are several steps I need to take now to get back on track:

Step 1:  Vacation-work has been challenging and I need a break.  It has been months since I got an extended period of time off and I know this has played into my attitude about life in general.  In a week I will be in NC filling my days with walking around and site seeing.  If I continue to eat well, my vacation can actually be a kick start to doing things right when I get home too.

Step 2:  I don't know why I have put off an appointment with my endocrinologist.  I have good things to share with her about what I'm doing for myself and she will want to help me get back on the medications I need to make a real difference.  Plus, since my surgery in May, my deductible has been met, so the visit and medication for the rest of the year should be covered, so this won't play into my stress over financial matters.

Step 3:  Continuing to cook for myself and woman at work seems to be helping financially with food and keeping me on track eating like I should.  Knowing I have a commitment to her to cook healthy food keeps me committed to healthy food for myself.  I have successfully managed to keep on track with food for months now, so I see that as a trend that will continue.  Now I have to step it up one more level and work on eliminating the few unhealthy trends I am keeping too like ice cream every night and candy at work daily.

Step 4:  Getting back to my daily walking routine.  Despite the August set back, I did walk a loop around my office building at one point and compared the time to what I walked in the past.  I proudly noted that my time was faster by quite a bit.  My back and legs also continue to not hurt me like they did when I first started.  I know that change has happened even if it's not as apparent right now.

I set the goals I did because they don't take into account the amount of weight I am losing.  My goals are based on feeling better and being more active.  I know that if I continue to focus on those things, the other things like weight, losing inches, and controlling my PCOS will fall into line on their own.  So I'm putting August 2017 behind me.  I will literally never see the month again.  It's time to focus on September and my favorite season, fall which will be perfect for beautiful walks and bike rides in the foliage.

Color Run 5k

I was tricked by the Ohio weather a couple weeks ago and didn't go to the Color Run event I signed up for.  I was certain the looming heavy rain and thunderstorms would cancel the event.  I ended up being very wrong and as a result, did not participate in my first 5k race.  I'm happy the event sent me the medal in the mail though so I could still earn it.  I decided that this medal would need to be earned as a 5k and I would have to walk the mileage at one time.  It was a good endurance test for me and I'm happy to report that I walked the 3.107 miles with little difficulty but unfortunately not without significant bug bite attacks.

Fall will be my season-July results

July was a rough month.  It was the first full month that I managed two very busy desk at work.  The girl who was out on maternity leave is finally back so this means my life can go back to a more normal pace and routine.  I didn't do much in July as far as kicking up my activity level.  It was a success for me to continue eating well and finding motivation to get a walk in a couple times a week.  The weather also did not cooperate.  If it wasn't raining for days in a row, the heat index was off the charts and it was not safe to be out walking in that heat.  I did good the end of July being more active though.  My determination to earn medals increased which got me out walking 2+ miles each time. I also found new past time enjoyment playing a group game.  Since I'm new to how it works, I have been listening to podcast of other people playing and it's provided me with enjoyment listening to the game being played while I walk.  I credit my loss of inches to this last week.  Despite it not being a great month, the measurements chart gives a different picture.  I am honestly a little shocked at some of the numbers.  No gains and several significant losses.  I don't see significant change to my face other than hair style, but I'll let others be the judge since I look at that face every day.

Weight:     (+) 0 pounds
 Neck:         -  1/2 inch
Chest:         -  1 inch
Stomach    (+) 0 inches
Hips           (+) 0 inches
Up Arm:    (+) 0 inches
Up Leg:       -  1 inch
Calf:            -  1 inch

I have decided to become a Jedi

Last Tuesday I finished off another set of miles to complete 13.11 and earn another medal.  I have been anxious to open the first medal of the Jedi Training Academy set and add it to my wall.  Full Medal Runs offers a set of 4 medals that are Jedi themed.  You start with Jedi Initiate followed by Jedi Padawan.  I also have this medal waiting in a mailer for me to earn it.  The last two medals are Jedi Master and Jedi Quest.  Being a fantasy and gaming nerd, this medal set really appealed to me.  Full Medal Runs seems to cater to the Sci-fi nerds.  They also have a selection of Star Trek medals as well as various Star Wars themes.  I am really impressed with their selection and quality.

I proved to myself that virtual runs are good motivation for me.  It was very hot last week, but I pushed myself to get in my miles so I could feel the joy of opened that mailer and putting the medal around me neck.  Work will not be as crazy and hectic after this next week.  I hope to get back to eating better and working hard every week on being active like I was in the spring.

I also realized last week that walking 2 miles isn't a big challenge for me anymore.  I'm going to have to step up my game.  Either the miles to earn each medal will need to be higher or I will have to walk a certain distance each time.  It was a great feeling to realize that my legs no longer ache and my lower back doesn't both me.  I may not see the big changes yet, but the small changes are proof that I'm on the right path.

Color Run Fail

I was supposed to walk the Color Run in Columbus this morning with a friend.  The key words here being supposed to.  Ohio weather has a way of changing on you at the last moment but Ohio sure fooled me.  With a 100% chance of rain and thunderstorms, I was sure we would get to the start location and find out they were cancelling the event.  I made the decision to not go.  As I climbed back into bed, a storm came through.  Hard rains and thunder.  I was certain I had made the right choice.  As it turns out, my friend sent me a picture later that morning that the rain stopped 15 minutes into the start of the race.  The event had gone on and it appears she had a great time.  Now I just feel silly for not going; for at least not taking the chance.  Fortunately, my money will not go to waste.  I already had my race packet with shirt, bib, and sweatband.  I contacted the support team for the run and they told me if I pay minimal shipping cost, they will send me the medal.  I feel much better now.  This at least means I can still earn the medal even though I missed out on the fun of being at the event.  Next year.  I promise regardless of the weather outlook, I'll take the chance.

I Decide

I sat down a half hour ago to write a blog titled, "Summer Slump."  I was going to write about how bad I have done this summer walking, riding my bike, and overall not being as active as I was in the spring.  As I began to compose the first couple of lines I stopped.  I realized that the point of writing this blog, while it is to capture the ups and downs of being more healthy, was to inspire me and catalog my overcoming my unhealthy lifestyle.  I would have nothing intelligent to say other than some lines of woe is me.  And ultimately I realized I really didn't want to write it at all...

In a split second, I got out of my computer chair, started to strip out of my nightgown, and find clothing suitable for taking a walk around the neighborhood.  Too often I make excuses for my poor health choices; I'm tired, I have had a stressful week, it's getting dark and there's no time to drive somewhere...I decided tonight I would have victory over the slump.  A week of regrets over my eating and activity level was not going to defeat me.  We spend too much of our time wallowing in regrets instead of actively seeking a positive future.

This upcoming weekend, I am walking a 5k Color Run race with a friend and her friends.  It will be my first official race I have entered and the fact it is a fun run with no time restrictions and multiple stops with activities is a positive step toward doing better for myself.  Plus, there is race bling at the end.  Who doesn't want race bling?!  I have three medal right now sitting unopened in a drawer waiting for me to earn them.  Sitting at my computer writing about how bad I have done will not bring me closer to achieving any of my goals.  Slumps are important because they give you opportunities to learn about overcoming.  They are excellent lessons.  But slumps should never be the topic of  what should be your inspiration.

This time around, I am approaching being more healthy in a new way.  It's not about changing habits and lifestyles overnight like I tried to do before.  Like all things, it's not possible to change everything that makes me an unhealthy person overnight.  Life doesn't work like that.  It's one goal you work on until you are ready to add another goal to it.  I used to feel like a failure when I didn't work out every day.  If I missed taking one of my medications I would get so mad at myself.  But I missed those things because I was trying to change too many things at once.

I have been listening to a speaker named Simon Sinek recently and his thoughts on leadership are profound.  One thing he mentions is that when you decide to step up and be a leader, you can't change things in that moment just because you decided to be a leader.  They take time and most of the time, you will only grow by picking on thing to focus on.  He also says that being a leader doesn't take vision or excellent people skills.  More than anything, it takes one thing.  Courage.  It's no different for a person like me seeking to change my life.  All I need is the courage to pick one thing to work on.  Soon, if I really work on that one thing, other things will come into play.

When I got up from my chair and put on my shoes, I didn't know how far I would end up walking tonight.  I picked a direction and started.  A loop and a half later, I learned one loop is a half mile almost exactly.  It's a perfect track for days like this when the slumps start to get me down and I need a victory on my tally chart.

July 1, 2017: end of month results

It's hard to believe another month has come and gone again.  This hasn't been a good month for me.  I have been working late, stressed out over work and money, and have spent less and less time being active.  Because of my work schedule, but more so because of the summer heat, I have not been taking walks at lunch.  I know this has impacted my weight loss in a major way.  I saw the biggest changes when I was walking both at lunch and after work.  Because of the late working hours, my after work walking schedule has also suffered.  My job may not be physically demanding, but it is definitely mentally draining.  After a long day of critical thinking, it contributes to my physical exhaustion.  I have come to realize that lack of movement has certainly not helped my stress at work.  I have one more really bad month ahead of me and then I'll be able to breath easier when one of our girls on maternity leave is back.  Regardless, it's become very clear that I have to step up my game and figure out how to get more exercise in July.  The only reason the heat keeps me from walking at lunch is because I work in an office where we dress business professional every day.  I do not have the time to change my clothes, walk, and then change back into my work clothes again.  I wish I had an indoor space to walk in, but our office is not that big.

There are several things I have decided have to happen in July.

1.  I know from past experience that my body holds on to weight if I'm not on Metformin.  Every day in July I need to be taking the dosage like I should.

2.  I need to pack clothing changes daily.  If the heat doesn't allow for walking at lunch, I have to be active after work.  Whether this is walking or packing my bike and riding.  As many days as I am able to be active after work, I need to be.  If the rain keeps me inside, I have to be determined to come home and do something like strength train, Yoga, or start doing kickboxing again.

3.  Eating.  While my eating habits are already 100% better than they were, there is room for improvement.  I need to ensure I'm snacking more during the day and keeping cheat days to a minimum.  Fortunately, I'm still working on meal sharing with PJ, so this is helping me stay on track.  I think my eating habits are routine enough now that I eat a lot of good things instead of the carbs and sugars that don't process well.

I am also instituting another item to my monthly check in.  Since progress can be hard to see sometimes, I'm going to do a facial selfie every month so I can do side by side comparison pictures.  I think it will be exciting to look over time at the difference.  My measurements were not disappointing, but they were also not as exciting as I was hoping.  My weight essentially stayed the same; hanging around 312.  All of my measurements stayed the same except my stomach and hips which were down an inch on my stomach and a half inch on my hips.

I have purchased two more medals to work toward during this month.  I continue to put miles toward my 200 mile challenge.  The bike miles also count toward this medal and I want to look into medals for biking as well.  My current medal series I'm working on is Star Wars based.  The first is Jedi Initiate followed by Jedi Padawan.  The third is Jedi Master and lastly, Jedi Quest.  The last two medals are sold out on the website and I hope they intend to order more so I can complete the medals.  I will be really disappointed if I am unable to.

Bike Rides and Baggy Clothes

Despite my lack of exercise this week, the end of the week proved to be exciting.  A co-worker who only sees me once a week commented on Friday that my clothing looked like it was getting big on me!  I have also sensed this.  Several of my shirts that used to fit me snug seem to feel much more loose.  It's things like this that keep me from weighing on a regular basis.  My clothing could be getting more loose every day, but if the scale is still showing high, unchanging numbers, I tend to focus on that instead of the exciting changes happen right in front of me.  I even found a couple new shirts today that are perfect for my frame of mind right now.

After another frustrating ride last night with pain in my knees, I finally took my bike to the local shop and had them adjust the seat and handlebars for me.  Already, without even taking it out, I can tell my rides are going to be much more comfortable.  I had put it out of my head that I would be getting a new bike anytime soon, but one of the guys at the shop told me today that the brand they recommend actually makes high quality bikes at reasonable prices because there is no middle man.  I can get a new bike for around $350!  It's a good next-big-purchase to save for.  In the mean time, my Trek is still holding up solid and even got a kickstand today.  It's amazing how my fears about getting back on a bike again are completely gone and now all I can think about is when I can take another ride.  I'm very thankful to finally have a friend who wants to get out with me and either walk or ride after work and on the weekends.  Amy knows how to push me without being pushy.  I have never had a personality that wants or likes to have someone on my case about my health and being active.  Either I'm going to do it for myself or I'm not; I don't need people sticking their opinions and noses in my business.  But I do appreciate Amy's commitment to be active with me and keep me entertained along the way.  For me it's not about accountability so much as support and sharing the journey.

New Mission

One of the things I love about living in Columbus Ohio is the Metro Parks.  Many of them are built with cyclist in mind and offer bike paths that can not only be used by cyclist, but people walking as well.  Three of the major bike paths are very close to where I live which makes it easy for me to not only have places to walk, but now places to ride.  I wrote previously about my excitement and even hesitation to get back on a bike again.  But now that the first ride was behind me, I asked a friend to bring her bike yesterday so we could ride after work.  I took some ibuprofen before hand hoping it would help with some of the pain I felt in my knees.  Just like when I started walking again, I know this will also be a process to get my body conditioned to the new stress I'm putting on it.  Even now, my back still can give me issues while walking, so I expect my knees will do the same for a while as well.  I had a great thought yesterday as I changed into my workout clothes after work.  One of my co workers wore a really cute dress and jacket on Friday.  I remember thinking I could never buy something like that and look cute in it.  I realized, though, that this upcoming fall and winter season, if I continue to work at being healthier and active, I will be buying new clothes.  As my size goes down,  I will find more confidence in how I look in different clothing that I refuse to wear now.  It's a good thing to remember as I continue to push myself to be better about my eating and exercise.

Now that I have strayed somewhat off topic of this original post, (Squirrel!) my new mission is to enjoy riding again for exercise and be able to put in some long distance.  The first ride was exciting because I finished the loop, didn't crash, and found I still possessed the balancing skill.  The second ride was exciting because I went longer without stopping and I realized how much fun riding a bike was!  I miss the excitement of getting out my bike as a kid and riding for miles and miles.  This is going to be a very good thing for me!  It's something different that is also fun like what kickboxing was the first time I lost weight. 

Side note:  my new helmet rocks too!  It's my favorite color, mint green, which also happens to be close to the ribbon color that represents PCOS.  It's great for taking selfies too because it hides my double chin and slims down my face.  *giggle*

 

Before pictures are important too

I hate this picture but it's an important one to share. I found the shirt at Catos and knew I had to have it. Back in the day, I was able to do an hour of kickboxing and I used to love feeling the sweat pour down my face. It was additional confirmation that I was working hard and doing something good for myself. I'm ready to have that feeling back and I know this will be an important picture for me to have in the future.

Challenge Medal Totals: May

I completed my Tough Mother Medal the beginning of May. I walked 13.11 miles over a series of 7 days to earn the medal.

Continuing through May, I put miles toward my 200 mile challenge medal. In the month of May, I walked 13.55 miles toward this medal. I can do much better than this. I have decided that I will put my bike riding miles toward this medal as well. My goal is still to knock out 200 miles before the end of the year; adding in bike miles will help.

It's like riding a bike

When I was younger, riding a bike was life.  We lived on a very remote back country road with very little traffic.  As a result, my parents did not worry about my brother and I straying half a mile down the road.  The road was hilly, as was our yard, and we learned to ride by balancing the bike as momentum carried it to the bottom.  Over time, we rode so much, we became experts at riding without hands and when we tackled large hills like the ones at the state campgrounds, it was nothing.  I'm certain I owe that little girl and her love of riding to why my weight stayed under control when I was younger.  When I became a teenager, however, we move to another country home, but one that was on a major state route with a  lot of traffic.  Combined with a teenage routine, after school programs and work, I no longer went camping and my bike began to collect dust in our garage.  This is where it has stayed for years.  I am now 32 years old and I'm ashamed to admit I have not been on a bike since I was 21 or so.  Even then, it was a very short lived situation since my bike was taken accidently taken by another staff member at a boy scout camp and not returned till the end of summer. 

Now that I am working on my health, I decided it was time to dust off a bike and give it another go.  I loved riding a bike when I was a kid and I hope it will be one of the sources to help me reach my goals.  I chose one of the bikes from my parent's garage that seemed in the better shape than the rest and brought it to a bike shop locally that fixed a couple parts and made sure it could be ridden.  I have stared at it through my sliding window now for several weeks and finally took it out yesterday.  It was not a grand occasion.  I was shaky at first, but once I trusted myself, I did very well.  I didn't crash!  I met up with my friend Amy Jo at one of the Metro Parks with a bike trail and we did a little over 2.3 miles.  It was about all my knees and butt could handle the first time out.  We had to make frequent stops to adjust my seat and give my knees a rest.  I could feel my legs shake whenever I put them on the ground for a moment.  Much like when I started walking again, it's going to take some time for my body to adjust to the new movement and stress I'm putting on muscles that I hadn't worked for years.  While I feel it in my legs today, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  My butt is feeling it the worst.  Eventually once the weight really comes off and the muscles adjust, that too won't be a big deal. 

I have been putting off weighing myself and doing my measurements this month because I knew May was not a good month.  While I did walk and did fairly well as eating right, I ate out far more than I should have and walked far less than what I was capable of.    I also did not keep my commitment to taking my medication daily.  All these things I intend to fix in June.  I don't have the financial funds right now to eat out regularly anyway and PJ is continuing to partner with me on paying half of what I spend on food we jointly eat during the week.  As the days get hotter heading into summer, I'm glad I now have another option for working out.  Riding a bike will be less miserable some days than walking with no wind and a hot sun beating down.  I will have to invest in a helmet though.

I am proud of myself for facing new things continuing to find ways to work on my health.  My May numbers reflect a bad month, but this is part of the reason I don't weigh often.  The numbers would have caused my motivation to really tank and I would not be going into June with hope and determination.

Starting out for June, some of my numbers did increase. My weight is up several pounds (but I'm not focusing on that.)  My neck, hips, upper arm, and calf measurements did not change.  The only gain I saw, besides my weight, was in my chest by half an inch.  Surprisingly, I still saw an inch loss in my stomach and upper leg, and you better believe, I'll take that!  Maintenance is better than gain and two measurements still being down is better than no change at all.

Let your thoughts manifest in your actions

I love to travel.  Nothing thrills me more than to pack a bag and take a road trip to a place I have never been.  What I hate about road trips, however, is when these trips take place in the summer months.  When it's cold, I'm a styling genius.  I wrap myself in pretty scarves, knee high boots, and cute jackets.  But when the warmer months hit, my body image issues surface in a very real way.  While packing for my trip with my mom this weekend, it became quite apparent that between summer of last year and May of this, my weight ballooned quite a bit.  The shirts that I planned to pack for my weekend trip no longer fit and you better believe the frustration level hit very fast.  I shouldn't be in position right now where I have to go buy LARGER clothing.  I was prepared for the fact I would need to go buy smaller clothes at some point, but it feels like a backwards step to realize I still need to add bigger clothing to my wardrobe. 

This only brings to light more full that I have had two months of really only doing okay on my efforts.  I started strong, but the motivation of something new and exciting is starting to wear off.  I wrote last night about how I probably needed to buy another medal to earn so I can get the reward high.  Having to go buy new shirts today before we head out is like an anti award.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a woman, and I love to shop, but funds are tight right now and it wouldn't feel like such a big deal if I could say I was buying smaller sizes. 

I have to find a way to shake myself out of this slump I have found myself in.  I'm still dedicated to working on me; it's on my mind every day.  But thought is just that; thought.  It's an invisible process that shows no physical progress unless it meets action. 

But that's just it isn't it?  Dedication means nothing as a thought.  I have a dedication to preserving history thought photography and exploring abandoned buildings, but if I only think about going out for a drive to take pictures, it proves nothing.  Those thoughts are invisible desires and wants that will never manifest themselves in my physical world until I put action behind them.  My health is no different.  I can sit here all day thinking about going for a walk and how it will improve my overall health, but the longer I sit here, the more times slips away for me to prove it's important to me.  Actions really do speak louder than words.  It's a cliché saying that we brush off, but it couldn't be more true.  I'm glad I took some time to sit down and get my thoughts out of my head.  It's helped me process this morning and how I have been feeling overall.  I need to write this somewhere that I can see it.

"Thought is just that; thought.  It's an invisible process that shows no physical progress unless it meets action. Let your desires and wants manifest in your actions, and you will find results." -RSpragen       

Riding the Struggle Bus

I have really been struggling over the past couple weeks.  My walking buddy hasn't been available very much to walk and suddenly it has made me realize that I do need to be pushed from time to time.  I'm more likely to go walk when I have a friend to talk to than by myself.  My eating hasn't been horrible, but I'm still craving sugar like a crazy person.  I'm jealous of the people out there who say they could do without sweets.  My overall motivation and passion is not as peak as it has been.  I knew these days would come and I told myself it was okay to go through times like this as long as I didn't give up on myself all together. 

I am a creature of habit.  I like my routine.  It allows me to know what is happening and when.  When my routine gets messed up, it tends to mess with my entire process.  The first jog in the road was my chef deciding she wasn't ready to take on her business again.  So now I'm back to planning, prepping, and cooking my own meals.  The second jog has been a shift in workload; having to stay later and being more stressed out.  The third has been after work and weekend plans.  When I can plan to go put on my workout gear and then go walk, it's easier than me having to go do something, THEN put on my workout gear and go walk.  If I go home before I have walked, you might as well count me out.  I sit down and that spells the end of any motivated activity.  I have been doing more on the weekends too which throws off my grocery shopping and cooking.  Lastly, my energy levels have been low.  I am tired a lot more recently.  I wanted to blame it on my period, but despite taking my Metformin again, my periods have not returned.  I thought perhaps the regular exercise would help too.

I know anxiety has been an issue too.  I have a lot of concerns about money and trying to reduce my monthly spending cost.  Living paycheck to paycheck is really starting to get to me.  I am thankful for my nice apartment and car.  I have food, water, power, etc., but I get nervous looking at the double digit number in my savings account and knowing if something went wrong, I would need help.  I don't like knowing I'm not self sufficient in hard times.

I'm too scared to weigh myself or do my measurements right now; even though it is the end of the month again.  I know I should do it, because I may be surprised, but I know how I feel when I don't see results.  I feel worst knowing I told myself I would step it up this week and other than walking a few days at lunch, I have done very little stepping up.  Maybe I need new motivation again, like a medal to work on.  I may need a reward I can earn fairly quickly. 

Give yourself permission

One of the keys to living more healthy and especially when it comes to weight loss is giving yourself permission to not be perfect.  I had a rough week.  A really rough week.  I lost my chef, I had no motivation to go for a walk, even though the weather was beautiful, I ate like crap, and my mood toward my health overall was apathetic.  It would be really easy right now to be down on myself and beat myself up for having such a crappy week, but instead of looking at the situation as I failed, I'm choosing to look at it as just one bad day. I purposely bought a pizza and brownies yesterday knowing they were bad for me.  There is a reason I weigh over 300 pounds; I tend to eat my feelings.  I had a rough week and I just really wanted to eat something that was bad for me.  There is no mystery behind how I came to weigh this much.  I crave carbs and sugars.  It's one of the worst side affects of having PCOS and when I'm stressed out, my body goes into craving overdrive. 

While I could sit here all day and boo-hoo about my situation, my mindset about my health is different than how it previously was.  One day of bad eating has not derailed my health journey.  I'm still on the right course to change my life.  First thing this morning, I drove to Kroger and picked up a week's worth of healthy food and ingredients to prep lunch and dinner this week.  While my chicken taco soup and cauliflower bake cooked, I was active.  I cleaned my fridge, I wiped down my kitchen, and I even got on my hand and knees to scrub the floor.  I have spent most of my Sunday doing things around my house instead of sitting around.

There are many reasons I have chosen to not weigh myself regularly, but here's one of the big ones.  What do I accomplish by having a bad eating day and then putting myself on a scale the next morning?  I will only demotivate myself.  I would only end up looking at that number as a sign that I don't have the will power to really do this and instead of doing something active with my day, I would sit around telling myself there was no point.  My body will recover from one bad day of eating.  I will eat right this week and I will walk regularly.  Saturday will just be one bad day in the middle of a whole lot of good days.  These are the things I want to remember.  I want to remember how I rallied to have a really good week and how that good week made all the difference in my life.

Food Challenges

Part of the reason I was so excited to be working on my health was because I wasn't going to have to worry about the food side of things.  I have a friend who used to own her own successful catering business.  She closed her business because it started to consume her life and take away from her family.  On a day trip together a little over a month back, we discussed how I don't like cooking and she mentioned that she was looking to start a home business cooking meals for people.  We came to an agreement pretty quickly and she started cooking low carb/low fat, pre cooked, and pre portioned meals.  We have been doing this for several weeks now.  Knowing that this was new territory for her, I was willing to work with her on the meals also knowing they wouldn't all be winners.  Because she has been pre-making the food, a lot of it has been frozen which took away the taste and freshness.  I came to a point I started to really miss fresh food and told her so.  A day after telling her this and agreeing we would need to meet more often to give me fresh food, she made a decision to step back from the business and get some things together in her life before pursuing this again.  I was disappointed but I can't be mad at a married mother of two who also looks after a senior in high school getting ready to graduate.  My desire for fresh food would force her to cook more often and find more time to make deliveries.  I can't fault her for not wanting to do that.  While she didn't say these were the reasons, I could see how it would be. 

So this puts me back in a position of trying to figure out how I will buy, cook, and eat well for my health goals.  I don't like to cook.  It is one of the things I know I have to do to survive, but as a single woman with a stressful job, it's easier to pick up food on the way home.  This is, of course, the wrong answer for my health and wallet.  When you add in that I walk after work till sometimes 7 or later, it leaves very little to no time to cook a meal.  I'll need to find ways to cook or prep food on the weekend that will stay good through the week.  I see a lot of crockpot meals in my future and research in my upcoming weekend to get things figured out.  I can't lie though, I'm looking forward to fresh food again. 

To Push Away My Fear. To Stand Where I'm Afraid

Earlier this week I wrote about my rally song and how the words spoke very specifically to my circumstances.  Since last night my thoughts have been very focused on the fear aspect of losing weight.  While I am better now at experiencing new things and putting myself in uncomfortable situations, the fear of failure is always with me.  There is only one other time in my life where I have managed to successfully lose weight.  I lost 40 pounds in about 7-8 months, but the weight loss did not stick and I ended up even heavier than when I started.  I have had debates with myself in the past over losing weight and often thought about how nice it would be to actually do it, but I never followed through.  I have a habit of being a big dreamer.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I tend to strike out on things really fast and with a lot of passion only to find X amount of time down the road, I have used up all that passion and drive, or I get comfortable in my circumstances and it creates complacency. 

Last night I attended a Columbus Crew soccer game with a friend who is also on a journey to improve her health.  She mentioned she was doing a color run in July.  My first instinct was how cool that sounded and I could earn more race bling.  It was, however, immediately followed by fear.  While my goal is to run races one day, I have never been comfortable with large crowds of people.  I have often thought it has a lot to do with my weight; squeezing by people, trying to work around them in tight spaces, and of course, feeling judgement from the thin and fit of society.  These fears translate over to races for me now too.  My thinking is always "one day."  One day I want to do races.  One day I want to push myself to compete.  One day....one day....

The Color Run has been foremost on my mind this morning and I know it's because I need to address the fear.  First, it's a fun race.  People are going to have a good time and enjoy themselves.  There is not likely to be many hardcore runners there.  Second, people who run races tend to be very supportive and friendly individuals.  I think it may have something to do with the endorphin highs.  *giggle*  Third, I will be with friends and they aren't running the 3 miles.  We will be walking the race together. 

When put in that perspective, yes, the fear is still there regarding crowds and new situations, but what am I doing this for anyway if not to step outside my comfort zone and push my limits?!  THIS is my moment to prove I can push away my fear and stand where I'm afraid. 

Tough Mother Medal Half Marathon

I claimed another medal today.  The timing could not have been more perfect.  I completed the mileage at lunch and picked up the medal in my mail after work.  At this rate, my wall is going to fill up fast.  I may need to make the mileage for each longer so it takes me more time to get the miles done. 

The commitment to these medals is more than for my health.  I am committing money and time to each one.  My financial status is not great right now, so each time I put money out for a new medal, I'm dedicating financially to my health in a big way.

In addition to my half marathon medal, I also got my race kit for my long distance challenge in the mail.  The medal represents 200 miles.  I anticipate it will take me the year to complete.  The kit came with several items including a car decal, bib, necklace, and shirt.  I decided to put up the bib since I'm working on those miles.  The necklace I want to wear as a motivation item and I am putting the decal on my car since it has become my campaign.  However, the shirt and medal are staying in the mailer till the miles are done.  While the shirt says it's an XL, it's much more like a small.  The way I see it, by the time I earn those 200 miles, maybe I would have also earned a body that can fit or is close to fitting into the shirt.  I tried to put the shirt on earlier and didn't even come close to getting it on.  How fun will it be to try again at the end of the year and the thing actually go on smoothly?

I Am The Fire

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I'm afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I've been sacrificed
My Heart's been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace
Won't let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I've embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waited for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire

"I Am the Fire" by Halestorm

The moment I heard this song, I knew I had found my battle cry.  The words spoke to me in a way few other songs ever have, because it's a song about me.  Am I brave enough?  Am I strong enough?  Losing weight is not for the weak.  People call others who are overweight weak because they think we have no self control or we are lazy.  What they fail to see is a person who may be very damaged, who may live with a medical condition, or whose past is a series of misfortunes.  There is nothing weak about stepping outside those circumstances and doing something as extreme as losing weight.  Many of us wear our weight like a shield.  It keeps us from experiences or attention that triggers memories or deeper rooted fears.  I fear losing weight.  My reasons are my own and perhaps I will face them in another blog.  But it is enough to know, they are there and very real. 

I have no doubt that like myself, other have a burning in themselves to change their physical existence.  There is a desire in me to release the person who I feel is trapped inside this 300 pound prison.  Can I break through my fears and stand up for who I want to be when I'm afraid? 

I know I am more than this.  If I did not believe it, I would not dedicate my time, money, and resources to changing my daily habits and thus change my physical self.  I have not been as vocal about my health changes as I have been in the past with people.  My office has a weight loss challenge going on that I did not join and while I know people around me know that I am walking almost daily, I don't bring it up in conversations continually. 

This is a personal journey.  The battle is with myself and while I have invited others like Amy Jo to join me, even she will not see everything I am doing.  I made the promise to MYSELF.  Me ALONE.  NO ONE ELSE.  I am accountable only to the woman inside me fighting to get out.  And it is HER flame that is rising higher and burning brighter.  She has been waiting for me to set the plan in motion, screaming like a siren in my mind every time I don't participate in something because I'm afraid I will fail, or when I don't go somewhere because I know I can't keep up. 

She is not the only one there though.  She may be the hope, but there are the ghost too.  Ghost of the past...ghost of the present...even ghost already in my future.  Those who tell me I can't, that I'm a woman with PCOS and we aren't thin people, or even the voices that say I can lose the weight, but I'll still be a lose skinned freak the rest of my life.  Others tell me my motivation won't last.  I'll quit.  Just give it another couple of weeks or months.  I'll get bored, I won't desire this as much as I did, and I'll stop.  I'll stop because it's what I have always done.

How do you silence the voices?  I think the answer is, you don't.  You let them make you mad and use THAT as part of your motivation.  You can only silence those voices by proving them wrong.  Let your actions speak louder than words.  When you don't feel like going for a walk, turn on music that rallies your battle cry, and take on the ghosts.

Don't allow the ghosts of the past to decide your future.  You may trip, but you won't fall if your vision is set forward.  Those who fall and remain down are those who allow the past to hold them there.  I will fix my sight further than that one moment, forgive myself, and continue moving forward. 

If you don't know this song, I highly suggest it for people looking for a battle cry.  It's incredibly motivating for those days that you just don't feel like going another step, when you would rather sit on the couch than go outside and enjoy the sunshine, when life has you down and you don't want to get back up. 

Say to yourself:

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...

This is life or death!

My bank accounts may start screaming at me, but it has never been more important in my life for me to be motivated to work on my health.  This is why despite the sometimes pricey tags, I am committed to doing one virtual half marathon a month and have also purchased a medal that I am dedicating to a long distance achievement.  I have chosen this medal to represent 200 miles. 

The breakdown of how I want this to work is each month has a theme.  More than likely I will find a theme that matches with a holiday in that month.  For example, May is Mother's Day and Memorial Day.  For the first part of the month, I am doing the "One Tough Mother" virtual race featuring Rosie the Riveter in her iconic pose with the words "We Can Do It."  This is a half marathon that I expect to be able to complete in a week and a half of walking.  At the end of the month, I will be doing a medal dedicated to the men and women of the military who lost their lives called "Remember the Fallen."  It has a great medal showing a soldier kneeling with a flag behind him.  A dog tag hangs from the medal with the words, "All gave some, some gave all."  I will be doing this medal as a half marathon as well.  One of the great things about the virtual race sites is they donate a portion of the money to a charity that the medal represents.  During the in-between days and weeks when I'm not working toward a specific medal, I will be doing mileage that goes toward my 200 mile challenge.  My goal is to do those 200 miles before the end of the year.  It seems like a huge number, but when you break it down my months, it really is not that bad.  This medal is sentimental to the journey I am on and my fitness motto, "She Believed She Could, So She Did."

This to me is motivation.  Yes, it will eat away at some of my monthly budget, but like I said before, this is important.  This is a matter of life and death in fact.  My health determines if I spend my time on this planet living fully alive or sitting in front of my TV watching my life get shorter with each passing day.  Everyone has to find their motivation if they intend to succeed at their health goals.  It just so happens I'm not so unlike most women I guess; I do love bling.

Preparation

I recently have been listening to a comedian and speaker named Michael Jr.  He's well known in the comedy community for being a clean comedian.  But more than that, he's an inspirational speaker.  He talks a lot about how growing up he had a lot of difficulty reading.  No one really knew his struggle because as a young kid he learned how to figure out what the word was by looking at different aspects of it.  He credits this challenge as a kid to why he is a successful comedian today.  What was a difficulty in his life prepared him for what God had in his future.  What he didn't know then was he was practicing. 

I have been thinking about this a lot recently.  What in my own childhood or growing up have I been practicing at that allows me to be successful today?  Or what have I been practicing that will one day allow me to be successful at something?

Today I found that one of my blogs was given a "Voted Featured Blog Post" on SparkPeople.  The post was from back in April 8 where I wrote about progress and how it is just putting one foot in front of the other and denying the voice in your head that says you can't take another step.  I was immediately overwhelmed by how many people had commented and told me how much my post had meant to them.  I was very humbled but also incredibly shocked at my own words.  Where had I learned to write with such passion and deep thought?  Who was the author behind such expressive words? 

Today I remembered the childhood I cherish and several things have stood out to me.  I have always been a creative soul.  Expressing words and thoughts has never been a problem for me.  I often played at giving presentations or pretended to be a lecturer giving a lesson to students about the authors of books.  I didn't know anything about those authors, but my creativity gave them each a unique background based on the titles of their books.  At the age of 15 I got my first job.  While most kids worked in grocery stores or mowing lawns, I was giving guided tours of 150 year old homes to groups of 20+ strangers at a time.  This is undoubtedly one of the reasons for my love of history and antiques.  In school, I was rarely without a book.  I give my mother full credit for my love of reading.  I read well above my grade level my entire school career and often detached myself from my own reality to create myself as a character in the book's reality.  Even today as a 32 year old woman, I find myself watching movies, TV shows, or playing a good game that makes me contemplate what my character would be in those worlds.  My mind often spins with good ideas for stories.  I suppose I forgot to mention that I wrote stories as a teenager too.  My fingers seemed to fly across the keyboard with story plots and characters. 

So what does this make me today?  For as much as I was humbled by the blog feature, I am also very proud of the training from my past.  It allows me to reach out to people now and leave an impression on their day by just using the thoughts in my head translated out into words in a blog.

Gallbladder Surgery: Finally behind me, but the bugger didn't go quietly

Tuesday of this week I finally had my gallbladder removed.  I was supposed to have it removed a couple weeks ago, but the surgery was cancelled due to a water main break at the hospital.  It sucked getting no sleep the night before and waking up at 4 in the morning only to find out it wasn't going to happen.  My parents had even come into town the night before and spent a sleepless night in a hotel.  Despite the setback, I have some realizations now that I was less stressed going into procedure this second time.  It was like I got a trial run and honestly I'm pleased I found out about the cancellation before we made the trip downtown. 

For the most part my recovery is going very well.  I was happy with my experience at Grant.  Everyone was very professional, but also very personable and friendly.  I don't remember being very nervous.  I put my trust in the teams there that they knew what they were doing and I just needed to let them do what they were trained for.  I came out of the anesthesia kind of rough though.  The air they had used to inflate my stomach put a lot of pressure on my diaphragm and lungs, so I woke up gasping for air and extremely uncomfortable.  I became alert pretty quickly though and it really didn't take much time before I was heading out the door coming home.  The first two days were probably the worst as far as soreness, but I don't remember having much pain and I haven't relied heavy on the pain medication either.  Today has been more of a struggle with boredom, so I'm anxious to get out of the house this weekend if possible. 

Perhaps the most surprising development was that the surgeon was forced to make a larger incision than she expected to because my gallbladder was more enlarged than the pictures from my tests revealed.  She said I had been growing stones for quite some time but I could have told her that.  I have gone through years of stomach issues on and off.  But it's only been recently I have really been worried about the possibility I was really hurting my body.  I know I should have had it looked at sooner, but honestly this is the right time; I'm focused on my health and making my life better. 

I could write so much more here, but I'm not sure what else there is to say.  Life will be back to normal before I know it and I am anxious to see how the missing gallbladder contributes.  I'm ready to be back on Metformin, walking daily, and eating right.  I want to see progress and change for the better.

I'm Not Alone: PCOS cysters

I had a fantastic morning drinking coffee and eating a light breakfast with some ladies I met in my past, but reconnected with later in our adult years.  They are fellow PCOS "Cysters" and each has their own story about how PCOS has affected their lives. 

When you consider that PCOS affects 1 in 10 women, it brings into perspective that every day you walk among women who either know they have PCOS, or possibly are uneducated about why they have weight they can't lose or menstrual cycles that are never regular. 

Part of the reason I started this blog was to help educate.  I saw a car ribbon recently that said, "I define PCOS, PCOS does not define me."  The effects of PCOS are different for every woman.  Some, like myself, fall onto the more severe scale.  Others, like a woman I work with, have issues with fertility, but her weight has not affected her as uncontrollable beast in her life. 

It may seem odd to say I "own" my PCOS, but you can see it in a couple of ways.  PCOS will always be a part of me; it's a reality I have to deal with.  There is no cure.  I will always fight my hormonal imbalance.  However, I have made a decision to "own" it.  I'm not afraid to tell people about my struggle.  I'm very open about it.  It is a part of me, but it's not going to continue controlling me.  With the right eating plan, exercise, and medications, PCOS is manageable.  I have seen women who are success stories.  It doesn't mean they don't have to struggle with it every day.  Managing PCOS is a lifestyle change.  It's a journey I wasn't ready to undertake till recently, but now that I'm ready, everything is falling into place as it needs to.  The support, chef, walking buddy, and desire all showed up at the right time.  If you believe in signs, God put a very solid one in my path.  I believe that God knows the desires of our hearts; even the ones we don't publicly speak or possibly even know about.  He knew I was becoming very unhappy with my healthy situation and didn't know how I was going to make the change. 

He started with a walking buddy just to get me moving.  Not only was she willing to walk with me, she was anxious to do it as well.  Our walks are not sporadic; we are pretty consistence lunch and afternoon walkers when the weather permits.

Next, God knew that once I started feeling better, it would be easier to pull the trigger on other things.  So He brought a chance friend back into my life who also happened to be a chef.  I am not a cook.  I like to cook when I'm in the right frame of mind, but lets just say that frame of mind doesn't show up very often.  As a result, I tend to eat poorly and make bad food judgement calls.  I never really struggled with breakfast, so He brought me someone who was willing to cook my lunches and dinners thought the week.  Not only that, she cooks to my needs for low carb/low fat, and works within my daily calorie range. 

And finally, the support, which brings me back full circle to where this blog first started.  God has placed a desire in my heart and even a need to reach out to people.  I find I get the most motivation and support for myself, when I am doing the same for other people.  I have always craved intelligent, respectful conversation.  And those who know me also know I love to talk.  I think it is especially important to connect with people who share your struggles.

To conclude this blog, I really just want to encourage anyone who may read it that no matter what you are going through, someone else is going through it too.  They may even be a really good actor and you can't tell that something is going on in their life.  Be open to just listening and maybe you will find they come to you in their own time.  And believe that if God puts them in your life, He's doing it for a reason.  I'm not saying the experience will always be positive.  God puts people in our lives as lessons as much as He put them there as permanent friends.  But maybe you helping them in return helps you too.

Progress

Progress is just putting one foot in front of the other, and denying the voice in your head that says you can't take another step.  Today was the first day that I have challenged myself to go for a walk without someone with me.  I really don't like to walk.  It's not my favorite form of exercise, however, it is the most important form of exercise for me right now.  With a sedentary work life, it's important that I am moving daily.  Also, in my current physical state, I am unable to do the more vigorous exercise I want to do like kickboxing or running.  So I am left pushing myself to walk more steps every day in order to accomplish meeting more miles. 

It helps that I have discovered virtual runs/events, which allow me to earn medals for distances like 5k, 10k, or even half marathons.  With today's mileage, I am now only 6.156 miles away from earning my first medal, "She Believe She Could, So She Did."  This medal is becoming sentimental to me because it also expresses how I am approaching my overall journey.  It is the same basis I established years ago with my "Power Diaries" campaign.  The two go together so well, I decided to combine the concepts into this new journey.  She Believed She Could, So She Did means I recognize I have the power to change my life.  If I believe I can achieve this, the mental battle is well underway to being won.  And as I stated earlier, progress is just winning one mental battle after another that keeps you moving.     

Virtual Runs

I have the heart of a runner.  I have known for years that running for exercise and enjoyment was something I wanted to do.  My problem is I have never had the body capable of doing more than a short sprint.  And my short, I mean quick enough to get me to the bathroom when I really have to go.  I ran like any kid growing up in my backyard, on the playground, or chasing our dog, but as I got older, my life became more and more sedentary until it wasn't a matter of if I wanted to run, I simply could not.  My PCOS didn't help matter either.  The more I gave in to cravings and chose to take naps instead of go for walks, the more the pounds piled on month after month which has bled into years of unhealthy days.  I don't expect to make a decision today to run a 5k and wake up tomorrow capable of it, but I do know that I can start on that path now. 

For those unfamiliar with virtual runs, they are no different from a regular race except you don't have to show up on a certain day with hundreds of strangers to run a course.  In fact, you don't have to run it at all.  You pay a registration fee which I have found most donate a portion of the money to charity.  You then participate by doing that distance; 5k, 10k, half marathon, full marathon, etc.  After posting your time, you get a medal!  I don't know about you, but I'm a woman, and I'm motivated by bling!  In fact, I am going to dedicate a whole wall of my room to earning and displaying medals from my virtual competitions.  Then one day I will add medals from regular races.  Ken Davis said in his book, "Fully Alive," that one thing you learn as a runner is that races aren't about competing with the other racers.  They are about competing with yourself.  I'm not capable at the moment of going to a 5k race and even really competing with myself.  Most days I have to stop after half a mile to stretch the pain out of my lower back.  At 320 pounds, I can't go to a race and feel good about myself being there.  I may argue with myself later this year about that comment, but for now, it's how I feel.  Doing virtual races, however, will allow me to earn rewards at my own pace and at the right time.  I will still get to compete with myself, just in a different arena where I'm not watching people fade in the distance and start feeling bad about myself.  At this point in my fit journey, it's about small, measurable goals and being able to be consistent with them.

My first medal I am earning is on it's way here now.  This site doesn't require you to post your time before receiving it.  It may have been ambitious, but I did come out swinging, and since I'm sentimental, my first medal will be a half marathon for a race called, "She Believes She Could, So She Did."  I believe I can walk a half marathon split up over several days and I already have small measures of proof that I can do it.  I won't accomplish the goal before the medal arrives, although it may be fun to try, so I won't open it until the distance is met.  I put a little under a mile and a half toward the goal today.  Rain and snow will keep me away the next two days, but come this weekend, it's on!

No Surgery Tuesday

After all the anticipation and build up, my surgery was cancelled Tuesday morning.  I literally had no sleep the night before.  I got out of bed at 4 a.m. though with purpose and got in the shower.  When I got out, I got my phone to call my parents and make sure they were up, only to find a voicemail from the surgical center telling me a water main break was forcing them to cancel all the surgeries.  At first I was shocked.  I think I may have even pinched myself once or twice to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  But once the truth set in, I realized the seemingly impossible had happened.  Yes, I cried for a while.  So instead of finally breaking up with my troublesome gallbladder, I said goodbye to my parents and went to work.  I feel bad knowing they drove here Monday night after their long days at work, slept in and not to mention PAID FOR, a night in a hotel, only to go home the next morning after having sleepless nights themselves.

Despite this set back, the surgeons office did a good job of rescheduling me and now my new surgery date is April 18.  It's two weeks to wait and have to deal with my gallbladder issues, but I'm trying to keep the pesky bugger at bay.  I'm doing my best to stay away from high fat foods and I'm continuing to walk with my friend Amy Jo when weather permits. 

An Introduction

My name is Rebekah and I have been overweight almost my whole life.  It is a fact I have reconciled myself to for, well, my whole life.  I still remember my mother telling me when I was younger that I would probably never be a thin girl.  Perhaps I have underestimated how much that simple statement has stuck with me and at times I wonder if it effects my thoughts subconsciously.  I think as I get older the statement doesn't sting the way it used to.  Society tells women they should strive to be thin because thin is beautiful.  I prefer to think that strong is beautiful; both in body and mind.  I would rather be a 180 pound woman with muscle definition and curves than a stick figure with a perfect thigh gap.  It's taken me time to come to these conclusions though and my thoughts about my health were not always healthy or attainable.

Two years ago I turned 30.  It's a monumental number really.  At least in my own mind I think of 30 as you finally made it!  You aren't a 20 something year old fresh out of college and getting settled in a career.  By 30 you have come face to face with the world pretty head on.  You have experienced victories, defeats, and setbacks.  Adulting...isn't it grand?  At 30, I was adulating pretty well.  I had a career working for a global logistics company as a customs broker, I had enough money to pay my bills and left over to save each paycheck, and I knew who I was.  Yes, I was single, but I was in a good place where if that was my future, I was really, truly okay with it.  I had all these things and something else; weight and a lot of it.  Since starting my desk job 5 years earlier, my life had become sedentary.  I had gone from around 250 to almost 300 pounds.  I told myself I wouldn't allow my weight to go over 300.  A year later, the scales tipped over 300 and I was well on my way to 320.  300 must have been the magic number in my life because once my weight busted through that marker, I started to really notice how unhealthy I felt all the time and how simple task were becoming more complex and difficult.  Fast forward to my 32nd birthday just this month on the 13th.  I weigh 320 pounds.  Standing to fold my laundry requires several times of sitting down to rest because my back starts to ache so bad.  Cleaning my apartment has to be done in time managed increments because I can't keep move, bending, and lifting for a continuous period.  If given the choice to take a walk or lay down to take a nap, the nap wins every time.  My personal hygiene has become more of a task and I often don't feel as clean as I should.  It all adds up to one thing.  My weight has finally started to rule my life completely.  Every action, movement, and task is dictated by how and if I can manage it.

I tried to lose weight many times before and of those times, only once did I really give it a good go.  At the time, I was living at home with my parents, struggling to find a job that would allow me to move out and have my own life.  Only a short time before, I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS for short.  The doctor told me it was affecting my health and weight negatively because it messed with my hormonal levels.  Suddenly a lot of things in my life made sense; the depression, the dark areas of scaly skin, the constant weight gain, the random, and most of the time nonexistent cycles, and my desires for sugars/carbs daily.  I did my own research too and realized I was dealing with something that I couldn't get rid of.  I would forever be linked to this.  It would have been easy to give up knowing there was no "cure" but instead, it pushed me.  I wanted to be better and do better.  I started taking Metformin and birth control regularly to regulate my body's imbalances.  I was fortunate to have an active job and even when I came home, I still put in time working out.  I ate better by drinking more water and counting calories.  My body started to respond!  I lost 30-40 pounds in about 7-8 months.  People started to notice and as they noticed, I noticed too.  I felt good. I felt accomplished!  My weight was 220 pounds.  I was 20 pounds away from being officially out of the 200 pound bracket.  I had looked PCOS in the face and said beat it!!

We have already established, however, that this didn't last.  My memory of the day things changed is the first day we drove into North Carolina to lay my grandmother to rest and finalize her last wishes.  It was a bad week; full of raw emotion, hotel living, eating out having bad food every meal, and no exercise.  I'm pretty sure upon weighing myself when we got back I had gaining back 10 pounds in a week.  Life wasn't great either in my own personal life.  I was struggling to make ends meet financially, I had a bad living situation, and I just didn't care.  I let myself go.  All the things I had pushed myself to be better at I now allowed to run amuck in my life.  The weight came back and when I started my career a little over 6 years ago, I was back at 250 pounds.

This brings us pretty much up to speed today.  I still have that job.  I have done well for myself overall.  I finally have my own apartment, a really nice car, independence, hobbies, and good friends.  But I also still have the weight.  A constant reminder that I have a good life, but because I'm so heavy, it's not a fully alive one.  I stole that from a book I have started reading again, or rather, started listening to.  Ken Davis is a Christian comedian and motivational speaker.  I came across his book randomly one day while I was looking for a comedian to listen to at work.  His presentation to an audience about his book, Fully Alive, struck a nerve with me that day.  He spoke about having everything he wanted but having become complacent, he had stopped living.  His health was becoming affected to a point he could no longer enjoy things like running around with his grandchildren and he likened his state to being a dead man.  I immediately ordered his book when I got home and after reading a couple chapters, it became a lovely, dusty decoration in my home.  It would take several years for me to pick the book back up again, but his message has always stuck with me.  He quoted a second-century bishop and theologian Saint Irenaeus that has never left me.  "God's glory is the earth creature made fully and eternally alive with the life of the Spirit."  In simple terms, the glory of God is man fully alive, by Ken's interpretation.  Now I have been going on for a while now and this introduction is getting long, so I'll save how this book has changed my attitude for now, but let me say that a light bulb went off the moment I realized my spiritual health and physical health were interdependence on each other.  If I didn't work on one, I wouldn't be able to work on the other. 

I don't want to live my 30 years as an unhealthy person.  I have known for a long time that I have the power to change my life, I just have to set my mind down the correct course of thought, step out in faith, and do it.  Over the past two weeks, a friend and I have started walking regularly.  It's hard to fight for every step knowing many years ago I could do an hour of kickboxing straight.  But the point is that I have started and I have discovered a secondary motivation. Virtual races!  I have a runner's heart, just not the physical body to do that right now.  For the same cost as a registration fee, you can pay for finisher metals once you complete your mileage goals.  How awesome is this!  Even as a 320 pound woman, I can earn rewards for taking myself for a walk!  As I sit here writing, I am reminded of another hurdle coming down next week.  My gallbladder comes out next Tuesday.  The gallstones inside have become a painful (literal) reminder of my poor food choices.  Once it does, my fuel will be low fat and low carb.  Each of these things has a greater purpose toward my healthy living.  Once my gallbladder is gone, my body will not be as able to deal with fat like it once was because it won't have storage of bile available to help with digestion.  The low carb side of things is to help control my PCOS; both the cravings and to help my body better process food so it doesn't get stored as fat.  With me on this part of the journey, is another friend who will be cooking meals for me throughout the week.  I can hear you now, but here's the deal.  I don't like cooking.  I never have.  Because of this, it becomes a major stumbling block for me when I need to eat a certain way.  Paying someone else to buy and prepare my meals guarantees to a degree that I am eating good, healthy food to fuel my body. 

There is so much more to tell and I'm going to do that though this blog in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.  If no one ever reads this, it's fine.  It's not about others ultimately.  If my story can inspire someone else, that's great!  But at the end of every blog post, this is about me.  And so I leave this first post with a picture.  It's not a flattering one but it's real because it's me in my current state.  In a time where I avoid having my picture taken because I can't control how I will look, I post a lot of edited selfies. But because I know things will get better, I'm okay with sharing it.