To Push Away My Fear. To Stand Where I'm Afraid

Earlier this week I wrote about my rally song and how the words spoke very specifically to my circumstances.  Since last night my thoughts have been very focused on the fear aspect of losing weight.  While I am better now at experiencing new things and putting myself in uncomfortable situations, the fear of failure is always with me.  There is only one other time in my life where I have managed to successfully lose weight.  I lost 40 pounds in about 7-8 months, but the weight loss did not stick and I ended up even heavier than when I started.  I have had debates with myself in the past over losing weight and often thought about how nice it would be to actually do it, but I never followed through.  I have a habit of being a big dreamer.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I tend to strike out on things really fast and with a lot of passion only to find X amount of time down the road, I have used up all that passion and drive, or I get comfortable in my circumstances and it creates complacency. 

Last night I attended a Columbus Crew soccer game with a friend who is also on a journey to improve her health.  She mentioned she was doing a color run in July.  My first instinct was how cool that sounded and I could earn more race bling.  It was, however, immediately followed by fear.  While my goal is to run races one day, I have never been comfortable with large crowds of people.  I have often thought it has a lot to do with my weight; squeezing by people, trying to work around them in tight spaces, and of course, feeling judgement from the thin and fit of society.  These fears translate over to races for me now too.  My thinking is always "one day."  One day I want to do races.  One day I want to push myself to compete.  One day....one day....

The Color Run has been foremost on my mind this morning and I know it's because I need to address the fear.  First, it's a fun race.  People are going to have a good time and enjoy themselves.  There is not likely to be many hardcore runners there.  Second, people who run races tend to be very supportive and friendly individuals.  I think it may have something to do with the endorphin highs.  *giggle*  Third, I will be with friends and they aren't running the 3 miles.  We will be walking the race together. 

When put in that perspective, yes, the fear is still there regarding crowds and new situations, but what am I doing this for anyway if not to step outside my comfort zone and push my limits?!  THIS is my moment to prove I can push away my fear and stand where I'm afraid.