I Am The Fire

Am I brave enough?
Am I strong enough?
To follow the desire
That burns from within
To push away my fear
To stand where I'm afraid
I am through with this
Cuz I am more than this
I promise to myself
Alone and no one else
My flame is rising higher

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I've been sacrificed
My Heart's been cauterized
Hanging on to hope
Shackled by the ghost
Of what I once believed
That I could never be
What’s right in front of me?

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waiting for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire

I don't believe I'll fall from grace
Won't let the past decide my fate
Leave forgiveness in my wake
Take the love that I've embraced

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...

I am the fire
I am burning brighter
Roaring like a storm
And I am the one I've been waited for
Screaming like a siren
Alive and burning brighter
I am the fire
I am the fire

"I Am the Fire" by Halestorm

The moment I heard this song, I knew I had found my battle cry.  The words spoke to me in a way few other songs ever have, because it's a song about me.  Am I brave enough?  Am I strong enough?  Losing weight is not for the weak.  People call others who are overweight weak because they think we have no self control or we are lazy.  What they fail to see is a person who may be very damaged, who may live with a medical condition, or whose past is a series of misfortunes.  There is nothing weak about stepping outside those circumstances and doing something as extreme as losing weight.  Many of us wear our weight like a shield.  It keeps us from experiences or attention that triggers memories or deeper rooted fears.  I fear losing weight.  My reasons are my own and perhaps I will face them in another blog.  But it is enough to know, they are there and very real. 

I have no doubt that like myself, other have a burning in themselves to change their physical existence.  There is a desire in me to release the person who I feel is trapped inside this 300 pound prison.  Can I break through my fears and stand up for who I want to be when I'm afraid? 

I know I am more than this.  If I did not believe it, I would not dedicate my time, money, and resources to changing my daily habits and thus change my physical self.  I have not been as vocal about my health changes as I have been in the past with people.  My office has a weight loss challenge going on that I did not join and while I know people around me know that I am walking almost daily, I don't bring it up in conversations continually. 

This is a personal journey.  The battle is with myself and while I have invited others like Amy Jo to join me, even she will not see everything I am doing.  I made the promise to MYSELF.  Me ALONE.  NO ONE ELSE.  I am accountable only to the woman inside me fighting to get out.  And it is HER flame that is rising higher and burning brighter.  She has been waiting for me to set the plan in motion, screaming like a siren in my mind every time I don't participate in something because I'm afraid I will fail, or when I don't go somewhere because I know I can't keep up. 

She is not the only one there though.  She may be the hope, but there are the ghost too.  Ghost of the past...ghost of the present...even ghost already in my future.  Those who tell me I can't, that I'm a woman with PCOS and we aren't thin people, or even the voices that say I can lose the weight, but I'll still be a lose skinned freak the rest of my life.  Others tell me my motivation won't last.  I'll quit.  Just give it another couple of weeks or months.  I'll get bored, I won't desire this as much as I did, and I'll stop.  I'll stop because it's what I have always done.

How do you silence the voices?  I think the answer is, you don't.  You let them make you mad and use THAT as part of your motivation.  You can only silence those voices by proving them wrong.  Let your actions speak louder than words.  When you don't feel like going for a walk, turn on music that rallies your battle cry, and take on the ghosts.

Don't allow the ghosts of the past to decide your future.  You may trip, but you won't fall if your vision is set forward.  Those who fall and remain down are those who allow the past to hold them there.  I will fix my sight further than that one moment, forgive myself, and continue moving forward. 

If you don't know this song, I highly suggest it for people looking for a battle cry.  It's incredibly motivating for those days that you just don't feel like going another step, when you would rather sit on the couch than go outside and enjoy the sunshine, when life has you down and you don't want to get back up. 

Say to yourself:

I promise to myself, me and no one else
I am more than this
I am the fire...